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The Video Game Characters That Inform My #GameDevFashion

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Lightning from 'Final Fantasy XIII' is one of the faces of Louis Vuitton's "Series 4" campaign

Okay, so I am by no stretch of the imagination someone who is knowledgeable about fashion. My wardrobe consists of a lot of neutrals, and then whatever else my best friend has forced me to buy to try and help me break out of my habit of only wearing black, white, and variations of beiges and greys. I'm not not fashionable; it just takes me a while to get what looks good and what I feel good in. For game jams, sometimes I rock a maxi skirt with a high slit up the side, or jean shorts and an oversized Godzilla tee. It all depends on my mood.

Clothing as a woman in games can be a contentious thing (either professionally or personally), especially when planning on attending industry events like the Game Developers Conference (GDC, on right now in San Francisco), IndieCade and PAX. Maddy Myers wrote a great article for Paste in 2014, discussing the thought process behind why she dresses the way she does at game industry events, and a lot of it resonated with me. When women have to navigate male-dominated industries, the way we dress is going to become a topic of conversation.

When I was at PAX East in 2015, promoting a game I was doing marketing support for, I noticed a change in the way people responded to me based on how I dressed. The first day I wore a graphic tee and ripped jeans, and there was nothing to really report. The second day, though, I wore a high-waisted skirt and a dark-blue tank top, and immediately people started treating me differently. I got more unsolicited comments on how I dressed. Looks lingered a little bit longer, and in places they didn't the day before. People were also nicer to me. People were meaner to me. It was weird.

I didn't think about any of this before going out that day at PAX. I was thinking about the game and who I wanted to play it; how sore my feet were going to be, because those booths are not kind to feet; and which of my international friends I'd be able to meet up with. But now, planning my trip to this April's IndieCade in New York as an independent game-maker and freelance critic, it's something I'm thinking about again. A lot.

What the hell will I wear?

It's weird, and it's something I'm trying to just bury, not let it bother me, and to move on from. But with the #GameDevFashion hashtag going around Twitter back in February, and now again during GDC, maybe it'll be less weird. It's cool to see people sharing their own personal style and to challenge the idea that game developers aren't fashionable people. I mean, I rock a plaid shirt as much as anybody else, but it's not the only style in my closet.

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This isn't the first time fashion in video games has had a spotlight shined on it. Gita Jackson wrote a fantastic column for Paste about fashion icons in video games, as well, called Wardrobe Theory. Check out her talking about the fashion in Dishonored and Yuna's style in Final Fantasy X. But it is cool to see how Lightning's new role as brand ambassador for Louis Vuitton is further highlighting the ways video game characters operate as fashion icons. And with game developer Barbie now sure to inspire little kids growing up, the way women dress in the video game industry (and in games themselves) is worth acknowledging and celebrating.

So, in the spirit of trying to be unapologetic in how I dress as a woman game-maker and critic (and in trying to plan my wardrobe for IndieCade), here are my top video game characters who have inspired my current brand of casual, kinda cute style. Special note: since Lightning is now the fashion ambassador for video games, I'm leaving her off this list. It's just not fair to everyone else.

Jill Valentine (Resident Evil 3: Nemesis)

Her Look: Blue tube top, black tight skirt, knee-high leather boots.
What I'm a Sucker For: Her tight skirt and high boots.

This is my go-to winter outfit, albeit usually paired with a chunky knit sweater. (Sorry, Jill, I just can't rock a tube top anymore.) Throw on a pair of sheer tights underneath, and you're good to go. I often call this my "zombie apocalypse" outfit, since it's the one that I feel pretty confident I'd be okay with wearing for many days on end if the world suddenly exploded and I didn't have access to a revolving door of clothes and styles to wear. Dressing like Jill Valentine at video game events gives me the added backbone of knowing that if she could take down Nemesis wearing that skirt and those boots, there's no reason why I can't navigate con floors and hoards of strangers wearing a similar outfit.

Tifa Lockhart (Final Fantasy VII)

Her Look: White crop top, brown shorts, suspenders, gloves, and combat boots.
What I'm a Sucker For: A white T-shirt, shorts and combat boots.

This is great for the summer. I usually skip the crop top for personal comfort, but this is really a perfect outfit for hanging out. In fact, the avatar that was created for me in the first game I worked on shows me rocking a Tifa-like outfit: a white shirt and combat boots. I keep my brown hair long because of Tifa, too, despite my urge every once in a while to return to my Jill Valentine hair days. This was my typical outfit as a kid. Sure, it looked plain to everyone else (like me), but secretly I knew I was rocking the look of one of the coolest, sweetest, and strongest gals in video games.

Related, on Noisey: H&M Sucks at "Metal Fashion"

Rinoa Heartilly (Final Fantasy VIII)

Her Look: White halter-style dress, sheer overlay.
What I'm a Sucker For: That dress.

I was no stranger to falling in love with Final Fantasy ladies as a child/pre-teen, and Rinoa was no exception. I have a T-shirt with angel wings cut out on the back in the hopes of channelling her heart and compassion. But that's not my real take-away from Rinoa. What really got to me was her dress, the one she wears at the SeeD ball (and the one that consequently proves to Squall that he doesn't stand a chance against her, the original manic pixie dream girl in video games). This dress epitomised the look I wanted to communicate when I wanted to dress up: elegant, fun and simple.

Aya Brea (Parasite Eve)

Her Look: Ripped jeans, dark blue tank top, knee-high leather boots.
What I'm a Sucker For: Everything. Ripped jeans are my jam. But particularly that and her necklace that hangs just under her throat.

I never played 1998's Parasite Eve growing up (never had a PlayStation of my own until the PS3 came out), but that didn't mean I didn't spend much of my time poring over video game magazines, scrutinising Aya's style and look. She was gorgeous, strong, and she had a game all to herself. I mythologised Aya as a youngster, and part of me thinks that my unrelenting love of women in creepy games and horror was born from this adoration. Aya's style still remains with me: her side-slit dress informs my choice of side-slit skirts, her simple black dress lets me feel strong and capable in my own black dresses, and her ripped jeans and tank top enables me to feel like a force to be reckoned with on the days when I don't have the strength to think about how my outfits and appearance are going to be taken by everyone else around me.

@kait_zilla

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Speaking to Treasure Hunter Dr E Lee Spence, 'The Real' Nathan Drake

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Dr E Lee Spence (photos are copyright 2015, by E.L. Spence)

The story of the original Uncharted: Drake's Fortune is fantastical in extremis. The player-controlled Nathan Drake – a treasure hunter, adventurer, smart-arse and crack-shot with a PM-9mm – discovers the final resting place of his ancestor, Sir Francis (Drake), on the ocean floor off Panama. But upon bringing the great captain's coffin to the surface, he finds only a diary. Within its pages, in the British knight's own writing, are directions – to El Dorado, the mythical South American city of gold.

So began one of modern gaming's most colourful franchises, designed and delivered by Crash Bandicoot creators Naughty Dog. 2007's Drake's Fortune was followed in 2009 by Among Thieves and in 2011 by the PlayStation 3 trilogy concluding Drake's Deception, the end of which sees Nathan and his friends flying away into the sunset. There have been spin-offs, too – Fight for Fortune, a card game for the Vita, and Drake's Fortune prequel Golden Abyss, also for Sony's handheld. But the "main" series, the three PS3 releases, have played a little like present-day versions of the Indiana Jones movies before Shia LaBeouf showed up, possessing fast-paced plots and spectacular set-pieces, while all the time wearing a smile as the sparks fly.

'Uncharted 4: A Thief's End', story trailer

And on May 10th comes Uncharted 4: A Thief's End, set several years after the end of Drake's Deception. What we've seen of the game – a PS4 exclusive, naturally – is stunning, while its makers' promises of Drake having to sacrifice more than he ever has before could mean its plot's taking a darker turn than what we've been used to. It should avoid doing a Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – although whether or not its leading man will make it to the credits in one piece very much remains uncertain. He's been shot at enough times – surely, one of these days, one of those bullets is going to stick. But then, that comes with the territory – real-life treasure hunters have been known to attract trouble.

"My life has been full of life-threatening adventures, including being stabbed twice and shot once," says Dr E Lee Spence, a pioneer in the field of underwater archaeology, a world-renowned treasure hunter, and just about as close to an actual living, breathing Nathan Drake as you're ever going to find. Born in 1947 and a graduate of the University of South Carolina before completing his doctorate at the College of Marine Arts, Dr Spence discovered his first shipwreck at 12 years old and has been hooked on the hunt ever since. His continuing story sounds as if it could be lifted straight from the pages of a novel. Indeed, he's written his share of non-fiction books – and is currently writing another, on shipwrecks of the Bahamas.

I spoke to Dr Spence about his career, his passion, to plot the surprising parallels between a lifetime of adventure on screen, and another that hasn't had time for distractions like video games. This is a long read, because everything Dr Spence told me was fascinating. So get comfortable.

VICE: Tell me what stirred your obvious fascination with seeking out treasure? Was it something in stories you'd read, or some discovery in the real world that triggered this love of questing for sunken ships and seeing what lies with them?
Dr E Lee Spence: My father was in military intelligence and, like some of the spies in those novels, he relaxed by working in his garden. When I was four or five, we lived in Paris, France, and one day while digging in his garden he found a Stone Age bead and a flint projectile point. He showed them to me, and my two older brothers, and we were soon rooting around trying to find our own treasures.

The following year, we visited family at Daytona, Florida. My father soon had me collecting seashells and taught me all the scientific names. More importantly, he showed me how to cup my hands above my eyes and trap air as I ducked my head below the waves. The resulting bubble served as a crude facemask, and I could actually see and find things underwater. That became a whole new world to me.

The next step in catching "treasure fever" was also due to my father, although I doubt that was his intent. For Christmas, when I was nine and we were living in Indochina, he gave me two beautiful, leather bound books: Robinson Crusoe and Treasure Island. If I wasn't hooked on adventure and treasure before, I was after reading them.

There are a lot more wrecks out there than most people can conceive. Worldwide, there are millions.

You found your first wrecks at 12. That doesn't really sound like something most 12 year olds would be doing. What did your friends think? And was that it, at that age – you'd caught the bug, no turning back from this way of life?
My father had taught me that the key to success was hard work, and to follow my dreams. I dreamed of adventure, discovering shipwrecks and salvaging treasure. When I was 11 or 12, I designed and built my own diving gear. I knew my mother would never let me in the water with it, so I kept it secret. I would peddle my bike miles to get to my dive destinations. The first time I used it, I almost drowned, and had to completely redesign it, but I finally got something to work.

I found lots of loose artefacts, and soon found my first shipwreck. My first discoveries were largely down to luck but, from persistence and years of looking, my eyes had become well trained at spotting even the smallest artefacts. I'd read that most ships were wrecked by running aground on reefs and rocks, so I looked for shallow spots, close to shore. There are a lot more wrecks out there than most people can conceive. Worldwide there are millions of shipwrecks. I actually found five wrecks and literally handfuls of ancient coins before I was 13.

The summer I was 14, I bagged groceries for tips and made enough to buy two second-hand scuba regulators, with tanks and back packs. One of the tanks was actually an old fire extinguisher. I didn't have a car, so the extra set of scuba gear allowed me trade use of my gear to older friends for rides to nearby rivers and beaches, where I found still more artefacts and shipwrecks. At first my friends didn't believe my stories, but the mounting piles of artefacts soon convinced them it was real. I started hiring my friends to work with me, and they caught the bug, too. Almost every one of those guys went on to make their own discoveries, do documentaries and publish books. We are all friends to this day.

You've recovered articles and artefacts adding up to a very impressive monetary value, running well into the millions. But just how rewarding is it as a treasure hunter, in terms of what you take away?
At 12, you live at home, and you can't buy cars or fast women, so money was certainly not the initial objective. I was quickly making it, but money was simply a by-product of doing what I was passionate about. I loved history and adventure and that was what I was really after.

Today, I have been responsible for the recovery of artefacts with a total value of over a hundred million dollars. But, when doing it on a large scale, treasure salvage can be a very expensive business and governments always take their part, as do investors. Five failed marriages were another high cost I paid, and I have had plenty of very lean times, but I must admit I have lived better than most people in this business. I have owned beautiful homes, eaten in the finest restaurants, partied with famous gangsters, politicians and movie stars. It's been an almost unbelievable life.

I am again married, this time to an absolutely wonderful woman, who is beautiful both inside and out. She loves me and, unlike a couple of others, is definitely not after my fame and money. Her being almost 30 years my junior doesn't hurt, either.

Dr E Lee Spence with a recovered flintlock pistol

Just how much time goes into researching the potential location of a shipwreck, and then actually planning to go there for real? This must be expensive – so you can't rely on a best guess, right?
I was introduced to the government documents, maps and rare books collection by a friendly librarian, and I started researching shipwrecks very early. Research quickly became a huge part of my life. I don't do drugs, but I often describe research as my "drug of choice", as it allows me to escape into a world of adventure. On occasion, I have come across information so precise that, once in the targeted area, it enables me to locate the wreck in a matter of minutes, instead of the months or years you might expect.

But, learning to do that level of research, and do it both fast and accurately, can take a lifetime of effort. I have now been researching and finding shipwrecks for well over 50 years, so it's second nature to me. However, it wasn't always so easy.

I researched the wreck of the Civil War blockade runner Georgiana for a number of years before finding her (in 1965). Once you have figured out where to look, you still have to put together the rest of the pieces that are necessary to make an expedition a success. If you aren't spending your own money, which I have often done, it means getting investors. That can be time consuming and you really need to know both business and law. Once you have the funding, you still need the permits, equipment, people, and more. You can't just love history; you have to be a combination salesman, inventor, businessman, and scientist. Both in doing the research and in putting together the expeditions, you have to pay attention to all the parts that make the whole.

The most expensive part of research is time, more than anything else. Not only are you not getting paid while you research, but your time is the only thing you can't buy back. I am now at the beginning of what I suspect will be my biggest and most successful project yet. I have years of time wrapped up in the research, but I now have the legal rights, have been on the wrecks – it's multiple wrecks – and absolutely know we will be finding treasure.

The bond between fellow undersea explorers, it's sort of like the 'band of brothers' effect in wartime.

Have you ever had a protégé or two, younger treasure-seekers who've come to you for guidance, and you've helped them on their way?
The first time I realised that people thought of me as an expert, was when I was a sophomore in college. A man knocked on my door and told me that he had driven from Texas to South Carolina just meet me. I had done almost the same thing when, at 17, I had hitchhiked over 500 miles each way to meet a famous treasure diver that I heard was going to be giving a lecture in Miami. But, I think this man was surprised when he saw me. He was 20 years my senior. I was in school and not ready to have an old guy as my student.

By the time I was in my early-20s, I was running major expeditions. By my mid-20s I had grown a long beard, to make me look older. I became an editor for Treasure magazine and got the usual stream of fan mail. The letters of one young man were such that when I needed another diver, I sent him a round-trip plane ticket. I didn't know it then, but I had brought aboard the first of my many protégés. His love of history and diving had been obvious in his letters, but his lack of experience in virtually everything was a surprise. I had to teach him everything. Although there wasn't much of a difference in our ages, I soon of thought of him like a son. He both idolised and feared me. He developed into one of the best researchers I know and is almost unparalleled in finding stuff in the water.

Such relationships are built on trust. The protégé trusts you to treat him fairly and steer him right, while the old hand – in this case, me – wants to share his knowledge, thus insuring it's not lost with his passing. You also learn to trust each other with your life and your future. I probably saved his life three or four times. Most of these tutor and protégé relationships developed into lifelong friendships. The bond between fellow undersea explorers, it's sort of like the "band of brothers" effect in wartime.

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Watch VICE in conversation with 'High Rise' director Ben Wheatley

In the first Uncharted game, our hero discovers Sir Francis Drake's coffin, and sets out on an adventure to find El Dorado. Sounds pretty far-fetched; but have you ever gone after anything so, I suppose, magical?
I have always been fascinated with Drake too, as part of my extended ancestry was the Drake family and I heard the stories of his exploits from a very early age. I also have friends who have searched for Drake's coffin.

I'm actually currently on the trail of a lost shipload of gold from Francisco Pizarro's conquest of Peru. And, I once sought a ship that had supposedly wrecked while carrying 40 tons of Inca gold. Another researcher had sold my company his research, claiming the wreck had taken place on El Dorado Shoal near Bimini, in the Bahamas. He said the shoal had been named for the ship's gold. The researcher was the same guy I had hitchhiked from Charleston to Miami to meet when I was a teenager, and actually been my hero when I was child, but he was wrong.

That was a very costly mistake, but it taught me to only rely on my own research. We did not find the gold. I later uncovered the truth behind the naming of the shoal. It was named after the 19th century steamer El Dorado, which ran aground on the previously unmapped shoal. The El Dorado was refloated and towed away.

Can you explain what it's like when you're holding something a human hasn't even seen for a hundred years and more? When you find the treasure that you set out to discover?
It can be almost indescribable. It's a high like others can only imagine. First you feel anticipation and excitement; next, your heart and mind are simultaneously filled with a combination of wonder and satisfaction. It's like getting laid for the first time – you want to shout it to the world.

But, often, you can't. To tell the world often invites jealous, greedy interlopers and back-stabbers, many of who are low-paid bureaucrats and government officials. I have far more respect for the average treasure hunter, as many are equally as knowledgeable as the government historians and archaeologists, but they get out in the field and underwater, work hard, take enormous risks, and make their own discoveries. That is not to say either side is all good or bad, that wouldn't be accurate – it's just that I generally trust the treasure salvors more.

Related: watch videos in VICE's 'The Real' series, featuring 'True Blood' and 'Mad Men'

Nathan Drake's constantly running into other parties looking to steal the treasures for themselves, and I know you've experienced some, let's say, disputes. Can you tell me about the H.L. Hunley, the Civil War submarine that an expedition funded by the author Clive Cussler also claimed as its discovery?
Stolen valour doesn't credit anyone, and it's a shame when anyone tries to take credit for another's discovery. Clive Cussler has claimed credit for discovering a number of wrecks that I had previously found. For instance, in 1980 Cussler told the media that he had discovered the wreck of the United States iron clad Keokuk. In an admitted effort to garner free publicity for the then up-coming movie based on his novel Raise the Titanic, Cussler told eager reporters that his diver had "strode the decks", and that it was intact and could be raised.

That was absolutely false, as the Keokuk had been blown apart and heavily scrapped after the Civil War. I had been on it several times and had shared both the location and my research on it with him. I had also told him its condition, so he knew the truth. The following year, Cussler announced he had discovered the wrecks of the blockade runners Norseman and Stonewall Jackson, even though he knew that I had been in The New York Times for their discovery over 12 years earlier. Cussler even had the names of those two wrecks mixed up, and based on the latitude and longitude he later published for one of the wrecks, I don't believe he ever even went to the right spot. On the other he was close, but "no cigar".

In my opinion, Cussler's claim to have discovered the Hunley in 1995 was his biggest outrage, as that wreck had already been placed on the National Register of Historic Places on the basis of my 1970 discovery. By law, a shipwreck can't be placed on the National Register unless its location has actually been found. The placement on that list by the government should have been sufficient proof that that I found it years before he made his claim. To me, Cussler's claim to have discovered the Hunley had no more merit than someone going to Washington DC and after seeing the Washington Monument, or any other thing on the National Register, claiming he had discovered it. People seem to forget that Cussler is a former advertising agency guy, and has publicly bragged about his past media stunts. For God's sake, the guy writes fiction for a living.

In fairness, he is not all fiction. The truth is, he has funded a number of expeditions, has some talented guys working for him, and through them he has made a number of real discoveries. It's the blend of fact and fiction that make both his novels and his lies so believable.

But it's hard when you are up against a man as rich and famous as Clive Cussler, especially one who makes up stuff for his living. But knowing that you are right and the facts are on your side helps immensely. In the Hunley case, my best evidence was the 1995 GPS location for the wreck, as reported by Cussler, fell under the centre of the "X" that I had used to mark the Hunley's location on a map that I furnished the State and published in one of my books well before Cussler allegedly made his discovery.

I am also fortunate, in that Cussler wasn't the actual head of the 1995 Hunley expedition. Although funded in part by Cussler, that expedition was initiated and directed by underwater archaeologist Dr Mark Newell, who has given sworn videotaped statements saying he, as in Newell, used my maps to direct the expedition, and Newell has publicly credited me with finding the Hunley in 1970.

A screenshot from 'Uncharted 4: A Thief's End'

In a way, does that kind of dispute go some way to showing how exciting this line of work is?
It's unfortunately part of the business, but I assure you that part is not exciting. That part is heart-rending as, when you love this as much as I do, you put your heart and soul into the work. You deserve and want credit for your own discoveries. It's big finds like the Hunley that earn you a place in the history books. Cussler's claims have already been heard all over the world. And, no matter how much you try, "you can't un-ring a bell".

There will always be people who will know only part of the story and will firmly but incorrectly believe that Cussler discovered the Hunley. He is rich and powerful, and he has gotten the official endorsement of various government officials. They seem to ignore that the government asked me, not Cussler, to donate the rights to the wreck of the Hunley to the State, and they had asked me only after the South Carolina Attorney General had researched it and concluded I had not only discovered it in 1970, but that I had become the owner through an admiralty action I had filed in federal court in 1980. I donated my rights to the State even though it was said to be worth millions of dollars and someone was trying to buy it for their private museum.

And there's real value, and status, in having your name attached to that find? Or, not your name?
Yes, there is value. It's free PR, and credibility to boot. I figure Cussler got tens of millions of dollars in free publicity. The value of widely reported news stories is exactly why Cussler uses his alleged shipwreck discoveries in his press releases and on the covers of his novels.

A drug lord privately told me that, although he wouldn't personally kill me, I would still die. I would be found floating dead in the water, and it would look like an accident.

What more can you tell me of those actual life-threating situations you've been in?
On top of being shot and stabbed, I've survived dangerous times that I am still not willing to write about. But once, when I was working in Colombia, South America, an opposing group tried to have me arrested for treason. They execute you for that, but even though I was out of the country, when it was announced on Colombian television, I flew back to Colombia to face and fight the charges head on.

Their ploy didn't succeed, and the country's highest ranking admiral and others of equal or greater note came out in my defence. But then the drug lord leader of this group threatened to kill me. I knew he was serious, as he had once done time for murdering a government official. But, while smiling and talking to him politely, saying we were friends, I took hold of and squeezed his wrist almost to the point of breaking it, and managed to back him down and get him to apologise in front of about a dozen of his cohorts and followers.

But, the next day he privately told me that, although he had given his word and he wouldn't personally kill me, I would still die. I would be found floating dead in the water, and it would look like an accident. I may be fearless, but I am not an idiot. We had found one of the richest treasure wrecks ever discovered; giving it up was the price for my life. I gladly paid it. I left the same day.

On Motherboard: This Colombian Shipwreck Might Contain Treasure Worth $17 Billion

Of them all, what's your favourite discovery so far?
My discovery of the Confederate submarine H.L. Hunley gets top billing because it was the first submarine in the entire history of the world to actually sink an enemy ship. Government officials have described it as the most important underwater archaeological discovery of the 20th century. However, my personal favourite discovery was finding the wreck of the Georgiana. Part of that is because I found it when I was still a teenager. The Georgiana was carrying a cargo worth over a million dollars at the time of her loss, but what I loved the most about that ship was her brief, but important, history.

The Georgiana was described in contemporary accounts as the "most powerful Confederate cruiser", yet she was sunk on her maiden voyage. Even more importantly, my research on the Georgiana eventually led to yet another news-making discovery, this one in literature. It allowed me to positively identify George Alfred Trenholm as the historical figure behind Margaret Mitchell's fictional sea captain Rhett Butler, from her novel Gone with the Wind. Trenholm had offices both in Charleston and Liverpool, and was head of the two most successful blockade running firms during the Civil War. He made the equivalent of billions of dollars, in today's money, from blockade running.

Like the fictional Rhett, when the War ended Trenholm was arrested for treason and accused of making off with the gold of the Confederate treasury. That would have been an almost impossible feat for any other blockade runner, but, by the end of the War, Trenholm was Treasurer of the Confederacy. He is at least 90 percent of the Rhett Butler character, the rest being fiction or made up of other real-life adventurers, including Mitchell's first husband.

So it's really history, not monetary rewards, which keeps you on the path of new discoveries?
You are right, monetary value is way down the list of how I rate the importance of discoveries. I have discovered literally hundreds of shipwrecks, and I find each and every one of them to be exciting. But it's the most satisfying when, using my research, I find something that solves a mystery, which has previously eluded others.

There's no chance of me giving this up. It's part of who and what I am. I wake up at night trying to solve these mysteries, and I'm anxious to get on with another one. In fact, I must cut this off now, as I have to get back to my research. It's been nice talking with you.

Uncharted 4: A Thief's End is released for PlayStation 4 on May 10th – more information at the game's official website. Find Dr E Lee Spence online on Facebook and his own official website.

@MikeDiver

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Hollywood Is Blowing Up London Because It's So Bland

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London Has Fallen – Official Teaser Trailer

Most of the time, Hollywood likes to blow up New York. A transcontinental rivalry playing out in cinema screens across the world: every so often, Los Angeles gets tired of that line about its only cultural advantage being the ability to turn right on a red light, and it looses its fury on a CGI model of New York City. The city is pulverised, over and over again, by aliens, by terrorists, by zombies, by Godzilla. All those brittle towers stacked so closely together almost seem to invite it, like splinter-ready matchsticks; they look great when they crumble. There's a kind of displacement at work too: LA is sitting directly on an enormous geological faultline, ready to crumble at any moment; it helps to project that buried terror onto your rival on the other coast. Most of all, American audiences will tend to identify in some way with New York; which is why seeing it destroyed brings out that giddy combination of shock and satisfaction. They love New York, which is why we keep seeing it flattened.

But lately, Hollywood has started attacking London as well. London was invaded by something called the Aether in 2013's godawful Thor: The Dark World; that same year we were obliterated entirely by a satellite-launched weapon in G.I. Joe: Retaliation, and if the Super Bowl trailer's anything to go by, we'll soon be crushed by a falling Burj Khalifa in the Independence Day sequel. In the meantime, there's London Has Fallen , a gleefully stupid action film in which the British capital has various bits smashed off it by a gang of evil arms dealers. Which, in a way, makes us proud. We don't want to admit it, but for a lot of British people the height of success is being recognised by Americans. We, pathetic and grasping, want them to love us. And if they have to kill us first, then so be it.

There isn't one London in London Has Fallen, though, but three. There's the real London, much of it shot by the film crew, but some of it appears to be taken from a stock footage library – leading to some very weird moments, in which we cut away from gunfights and explosions to a shot of a red bus dawdling along a street full of ordinary people as if nothing were happening. There's the fake London provided by Sofia, Bulgaria, where filming is cheaper and whose grimy streets look passably London-y if you squint enough. And then there's the CGI London in which, as one of the film's newsreaders puts it, various bombs have "decimated most of the known landmarks of the British capital". (In fact, they mostly just destroy the Chelsea Bridge and Westminster Abbey – even Big Ben only takes minor damage. The London Eye, in impressively fiery ruins on one poster, is untouched.)

Watch: VICE Talks Film with Ben Wheatley

The result is a lot of geographic confusion. A bulletproof jeep races through Westminster, then the City, then along the Embankment, and then back through Westminster again. Our heroes escape into a Charing Cross tube station that is clearly not Charing Cross. (Actually, it's Moorgate, with the sign changed – but why?) A dying terrorist reveals that their secret base is at "Broadwick and Lexington", which is not how addresses work in any city without a grid plan. And in one shot, we see an enormous telecommunications tower standing over the city, one that absolutely does not exist.

Despite getting the title role, London is not really a major feature in the plot. It turns out that the baddies are really interested in getting to the US President and cutting his head off over a live Internet stream, a plan to which London is entirely incidental. Usually, when Hollywood destroys a city in lingering slow-motion, we get a few scenes of ordinary people cowering or being crushed; here, the only life that matters is the President's. I'm relegated to backdrop. There's no effort to show any of the life in London that's about to be brutally cut short; the only British characters are cops, MI6 agents, or SAS grunts, all talking in the strained speech of orders and official communications ("Southpaw is down." "I read you."), and dying in anonymous dozens.

At first I was annoyed by this – if you're going to destroy my city with such evident enjoyment, at least show everyone what it is you're wiping out first. But what would they actually show? Office workers lining up for sandwiches at Pret a Manger? Scruffy-haired media interns searching for coins under the sofa to pay their rent? Commuters staring glassy-eyed at the Evening Standard, reading the same short sentence 20 times as they try not to fall asleep on the train? In the film, London is figured as being a kind of Anywhere, Planet Earth – and this is actually pretty accurate, because that's exactly what London is trying to be.

New York might be the financial capital of the world, but London is the international financial capital. When deals are done across national borders, an impressive portion of them are done in London, because London has carved out a niche for itself in the global economic system as neutral ground. We might leave refugees stranded in Calais, but the city will always be open to money from anywhere in the world. Our geographic position means that working hours in London overlap with those in both America and East Asia, and our punitive libel laws and the hat-doffing legacy of the class system keeps the global super-rich feeling safe and at home. There might still be some pockets of resistance, but London is effectively turning itself into Nowhere, with any lingering distinctiveness mostly tied up in a few famous landmarks. So when London Has Fallen blows them up, it's just finishing the job that we started.

@sam_kriss

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The Romanian Councillor Proposing That We Cut Off a Dog's Vocal Cords If It Barks Too Loudly

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Photo via Turnul Sfatului

This article was originally published by VICE Romania

A city councillor from the small Romanian town of Medias was recently so annoyed by the barking of his neighbour's dogs, that he proposed to have the vocal cords of every dog in his town cut – if the dog barks "too loudly" between certain hours of the night, that is. As expected, Ioan Ciulea's proposal was quickly blocked by his colleagues, but now he is striking back with a new, admittedly more reasonable, plan: He wants local dog owners to keep their dogs indoors at night, instead of in their yards.

I called councillor Ciulea to find out what other treats he has in store for our four-legged friends.

VICE: Did you know it was illegal to cut off a dog's vocal cords, when you submitted the first draft of your proposal?
Ioan Ciulea: I was not 100 percent sure. I knew that there was this thing called "animal rights" but I didn't know you can't do that to an animal.

I can hear barking in the background, are those your dogs?
Yes. I am surrounded by my dogs. I am a dog lover. But I know how to treat my dogs. If I tell them to shut up, they shut up. But my neighbour's dogs don't shut up. If they see you on the street, they won't stop barking.

How many dogs do you have?
I am not at home now. I have this field, where I keep four dogs – that's where I am at the moment. At home, I have one dog and my brother-in-law has another. We share the same yard, but he keeps his inside at night and his dog doesn't bother anyone. And if he tells it to shut up, it shuts up.

My Labrador, Cora, barks like any normal dog. But there are dogs that bark at an unnatural volume. Do you realise how loud two dogs barking in the same yard can be? Do you know what a dog banging its head on an iron fence sounds like? It sounds like a cannon ball.

How would you determine what barking at "an unnatural volume" means?
You work in the media, right? We live in an era of gadgets and other types of advanced technology, so you can come at night and record the sounds made by a dog. If the barks exceed the decibel limit, then we can decide.

What if at a certain point Cora becomes too loud? How would you feel if the law forced you to remove her vocal cords?
We are not talking about cutting off her vocal chords, but about making a small incision. If my dog bothers the neighbours, I will be the first to experiment with this in Romania.

Cora is my dog, I've been taking care of her since she was a puppy. I would be the first to cut my dog's vocal cords, if it was necessary. But the problem is that it is against the law to do that, because the government had to go and invent "animal rights". So now it would be illegal for me to do that.

Had something happened on the day you proposed that dogs should have their vocal cords cut? Something that bothered you more than usual?
I have had to live with my neighbour's dog for a year. I asked him to silence his dog in a nice way, I told him the hard way – I even called the police, but nothing changed.

Veterinarians say this type of surgery is painful, and can change the behaviour of the dog. It could make it more aggressive.
I don't think a dog could become more aggressive because of that. We have to discuss this with experts, not with the amateurs who wrote the animal rights law and the MPs who passed it and forced it on us.

Your more recent proposal maintains that dogs are kept indoors at night. Does that refer to a specific time frame?
Yes, I think dogs should be locked indoors between 10PM and 7AM on weekdays and from 10PM to 9AM on weekends. Several people from our town, who have travelled abroad, told me that this is possible in Europe.

What if that proposal is also rejected?
My third proposal is for the owner of a dog to buy an electric shock collar, for the dog to wear. So when the dog starts barking, you shock it and it stops. I don't know how much an electric collar would cost, I don't know if someone has invented it yet either. But we will not give up until we solve the problem.

And what if that motion also gets rejected?
You are too curious and I already said too much. Information costs money. I don't give information for free.

This Is How the Mafia Intimidates and Controls the Italian Media

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Front page of Italian newspaper L'Ora from 1972, announcing the murder of investigative journalist Giovanni Spampinato. The title reads: "Our correspondent from Ragusa / Killed only because he was searching for the truth".

This article originally appeared on VICE Italy

In the latest Reporters Without Borders World Press Freedom Index, Italy ranked 73rd out of 180 countries. Last year, RWB's 100 Information List featured two Italians – among reporters engaged in war zones, investigating drug trafficking or working under harsh dictatorships. One of them is Pino Maniaci of Telejato (a small TV station based in the town of Partinico, in the province of Palermo, Sicily), who has fallen victim to "something like 40 slashed tires, three burned out cars as well as physical assault."

The above testimony is featured in a report "on the state of information and the plight of journalists threatened by the mafia" by the Italian Parliamentary Anti-Mafia Commission. The document, which was approved unanimously by the Italian Chamber of Deputies a few days ago, is the result of 12 months of hearings conducted to investigate the relationship between organised crime and information in Italy. Its findings aren't particularly encouraging: Contact between mafia organisations and the press is frequent, and attempts to control media and information by the mafia even more so – especially in the Italian provinces.

The report is based on data gathered by the Italian NGO "Ossigeno per l'informazione" (Oxygen for information), which has recorded 2060 "threats and acts of intimidation or retaliation against journalists," since October 2014.

I called Claudio Fava, deputy president of the parliamentary Anti-Mafia Commission and co-ordinator of the committee that conducted the survey, to discuss the situation.

VICE: What is the relationship between the Italian press and the mafia today?
Claudio Fava: The number of journalists being targeted, and in many cases silenced, by criminal organisations keeps growing. And the problem extends to newspapers – especially smaller, regional publications that are important because they report on local news.

Is the Italian public aware of the situation?
The public knows very little. They are only aware of the most talked-about cases, that involve famous journalists. It's not just that people don't talk about the threats, the risks and the dangers you take on as a journalist – they don't even talk about the stories you tell. Beyond the generic solidarity statements, journalists are kept in isolation which of course puts them at even greater risk.

This is the first time in 50 years that the Anti-Mafia Commission addresses the link between organised crime and information. Yet, the underworld has always had a certain influence on the Italian media, right?
The mafia's efforts to influence the flow of information are age-old. What have changed and become more sophisticated, are the tactics they employ to exert that influence. Once upon a time, they used gunfire; These days they send a platoon of lawyers asking for millions of euros in damages your way. Their tools are subtler but the result is the same. The fact that the Commission is finally addressing the issue shows that the issue is urgent.


Italian MP Claudio Fava speaking in parliament

How important is it for the gangs to control information in their territories?
It is critical. Criminal organisations need to control information to gain impunity. Access to information enables you to build a personal point of view. When you don't know what is going on, you live in a constant state of suspended freedom.

The report includes a point dedicated to specious litigations. How do these affect journalists?
Specious litigations have the power to economically isolate journalists. We are talking about freelance reporters with loose or no contracts, who get paid a few euros per article. To hurt a journalist or to silence them, it is often useful to isolate them – financially and professionally – using slander and other intimidatory strategies that are not exclusive to mafia gangs.

What has been done to protect Italian journalists in recent decades?
The real question is: What have journalists been doing for themselves? We shouldn't think of this as an issue for someone else to take care of. Journalists – and I say this as a journalist myself – must be the first to take on the struggle.

There are different ways to do so: Speaking up about the risks fellow journalists are faced with is one; pushing for new regulations to protect the freelancers is another.

The number of journalists who have been threatened in Italy, 2006-2016. Data collected by Ossigeno per l'informazione

The report mentions "exploitative journalism" and indicates freelancers as the main victims.
That's correct. The profession of journalism is often practiced outside the law – namely, many work as journalists without being members of the Italian Register of Journalists. Those journalists, who don't have a press card in their pocket, are considered illegal, abusive and invisible, but they are not illegal, abusive nor invisible to those who threaten or even kill them. In Sicily, three freelancers were recently killed: Mauro Rostagno, Peppino Impastato and Beppe Alfano. The professional body can only do so much. There is a lot of distraction, indifference and even a hint of resignation. According to the data that Ossigeno gave us, more than 2000 journalists have been threatened in just over a decade. These are problems we should all care about, not just on a political level but on a professional level too.

How do Italian publishers and journalists react to threats and pressure? Is self-censorship common?
Sure, that happens too. If you are being threatened and you don't have enough protection because you work for a small publisher, because the pay is bad and because your colleagues do not care, you may choose to self-censor. It doesn't mean you are an accomplice, it just means you choose the easy way out.

So, what could be done to change this situation?
We proposed that frivolous lawsuits are reviewed and punished in a different way to how they are treated now; Not with a fine, but by forcing those who venture fraudulently in a judicial process to pay a considerable percentage of the damages asked. Another way is acting on the current condition of freelancers, in terms of contractual guarantees. A third point is talking; not just about the threats but more importantly about the stories that raised those threats. It is a commitment that the Commission extends to everyone, especially journalists.

Guns, Piles of Shit and Duck Breasts: The Life of a Supermarket Security Guard

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Photo via Flickr

This article originally appeared on VICE France.

I've gotten used to thieves. Despite what you might believe, most people who steal something from the supermarket are the types you'd see around and think of as "responsible adults". It's mostly the grown up people, who don't look like they're in dire need of anything, who steal stuff. Young people just steal a bottle of whiskey before going to a party. I know that, because I'm the guy who's waiting for them on their way out, with my Belgian Shepherd. I'm 25 and I've been a security guard for five years now.

It started with my love of dogs. I wasn't great at school and I didn't like it very much, so when I graduated I went looking for something I could do that I would love. That's why I studied dog breeding, and took classes to become a security guard. After 105 hours of training I got my license – a card that I have to renew every five years. A guard needs to know that he or she doesn't have the right to search anybody and that self-defence is only legal if it's proportional to the attack. You also have to have a clean record. That became a requirement for security guards in France in 2008, which made it possible to weed out the guys who are only in it to start a fight, and opened the job up to a lot of women.

I was almost immediately hired by a security agency in Brittany, and now I work in a supermarket next to the train station of Lorient. I've seen everything you'd expect a security guard to see – from a guy shitting in an aisle, to a well-dressed doctor stealing duck breasts during the holiday season. I could see him acting fishy on the security camera, but he always passed through the detector without a beep. It took me about four months to realise he was hiding the duck breasts under his hat.

In the beginning, it can be difficult to deal with catching people stealing food. When you see a good person simply being hungry, you just let him or her go. It's the humane thing to do, plus the owner of a supermarket is generally insured for these types of losses. But you need to be able to distinguish between one thing and the other. The other kind of thief you could scare a little sometimes, so that they'll let you search them even though that's not allowed. There is a protocol for shoplifting, but you have to decide when and how you want to enforce it.

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

But I'm not just there to catch people stealing food. Finding the lifeless body of a homeless person next to the supermarket is never easy, even the third time it happens. There's a psychiatric hospital nearby and some patients come out in the afternoon to drink. The combination of alcohol and their medication gets them in a bad state. So many fights have broken out during the day, just because people were drunk. I've lost count a long time ago.

This one time, the day after I had chased away two guys from the train station, they took their revenge while I was out with my girlfriend. They saw me leaving a restaurant and immediately jumped me. I didn't file a complaint but it was clear that I should never again see them on the job. One of the principles of the job is to never live close to where you work because you don't want people to see you out of your uniform. Unfortunately I didn't have a driving license at the time so I didn't have much choice.

I've had to dodge a knife and I've had to face a man who took out a gun and started threatening people. He left without shooting anyone, fortunately. But he was shot by the police when they caught him.

People sometimes say that nobody steals more than a security guard and that's partly true. There are a lot of temptations when you can access any part of the shop and know where all the cameras are. When you bring money from the cash registers to the safe at the end of the day, you're holding tens of thousands of pounds in your hands. That could give anyone ideas – not just people on minimum wages, like us.

Photo via Flickr

Security guards usually have a good relationship with the police and sometimes we'll make small deals with them. I've photographed people in front of the supermarket on the police's request, even though that's forbidden in France due to image laws. But they return the favour: I was once attacked by a man out of nowhere, and I broke a finger in the fight that ensued. I received six days of temporary disability benefits because of that but a police officer arranged with the doctor to extend it to eight days. For less than eight days, the man who attacked me would only get a fine, but with eight days, it's an offence. It's the minimum amount of days for the guy to be charged by the criminal court.

Sometimes I wonder if I should be doing this kind of work, risking getting stabbed for a minimum wage. The people I deal with are often better equipped than I am – I can only dissuade someone, I can't search them or touch them. In a way, security guards are underpaid cops – we lack resources to work well and have to cover our own equipment. I'd like to be able to do more, especially after the attacks in Paris. But people tell me that in order to make a difference in that field, I'd have to move to Paris. That, I could never do. I was raised next to the sea. In Paris, I'd be lost.

Flamen Keuj is on Twitter.

Speaking to Millennials from Around the World About All the Debt They're in

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Students in London protesting against increased tuition fees (Photo by Adam Barnett)

One of the defining things about being a millennial is owing someone or some entity a large sum of money. Yes, as a generation we've been blessed with the ability to make cats famous on Instagram, but, financially, we're not doing all that well: student debt is crippling; rent takes up too much of our pay; jobs to actually earn that pay are increasingly few and far between; and the prospect of ever buying property is out of the question for many.

That millennials have it worse than any other generation is a fact that regularly makes the headlines – in fact, VICE has a very bleak column, "Generation Fucked", that keeps track of those headlines – but articles tend to analyse the situation on a macro scale, rather than looking at how the situation is affecting individuals on the ground.

We wanted to do just that, so asked our offices in North America, Australia and Western Europe to talk to young people from their respective countries, to find out how they're coping with being in debt and out of work.

Photo by Lucia Florence

MAX, 22, UK

I had no other option but to get myself into debt, otherwise I couldn't have gone to university. In a year's time I'll be £66,000 in debt, and I'm 22. Where do I go from there? It's a huge weight on my mind.

I'm currently on a year in industry at university, a time set aside in the course to intern. It's a great idea – you gain some invaluable experience. But the majority of internships in London still don't pay anything at all, and the worst thing is the student loan company gives you a reduced amount of money to live on during this time. So, this year, I was expected to work for free while being given £6,000 less than what I usually get. If I just lived off that loan, I'd have £3,000 to cover my rent. In London, that's actually impossible. And, to be honest, my loan has never been enough to cover my rent.

Unfortunately, because of this I had to leave a really great internship – an internship I was supposed to be doing as part of my studies – because I couldn't afford to work for free. I had to move back to my parents' house in Portsmouth. Now I'm back in London again, but working full time in retail. I would love to intern more while I have this time of my studies but I just can't afford it – what's even more worrying is intern experience is almost vital for the jobs I want to get.

JAMIE, 23, CANADA

I graduated from Ryerson last year and I left with little debt. A few thousand dollars or so, but it's all paid off now. The problem wasn't my student debt (my parents helped me out a lot during school), but rather what awaited me after graduation: no jobs in my field. When I was going through university, I was super optimistic. I figured I'd be one of those people who would go through the programme, get a good internship and then land a dope job. I was wrong.

I currently work around ten hours a week as a hostess at a bar. Back during the holidays, I used to get 30 hours, but I got cut down this year. Now my budget is tight. In fact, this is the first time in my life where I've really been living from check to check, and it's kind of weird: $1,000 (£530) a month to get by on rent and groceries, $50 (£26) for coffee and weed, another $100 (£52) for my phone bill. If there's one thing I really rely on to relax, it's weed, and that's saying a lot considering I only spend about $20 (£10) on it a month.

Overall, it's a really shitty lifestyle – this industry in particular is not for me. People who can do a nine to five, Monday to Friday, and still do their own stuff on top are super-humans. I'm not only unmotivated to get a new job, but I'm also drained creatively. The current economy, the way it's built, makes people docile. You lose your drive because you get into this routine where you feel you can't get away from your responsibilities, or your debt, or take risks. Ideally – and I mean best-case scenario – I'd like to get high and edit people's YouTube videos into feature films for a living. Until then, I'm just going to keep it moving.

Photo by Daniel Sigge

FRANCESCA, 30, GERMANY

I was working for a gallery and earning a good salary, but one day realised I had responsibilities I didn't want, and didn't have enough free time, so I quit and started my own gallery. Financially, everything went to shit. I was on €800 (£620) a month, and after paying rent I was left with €350 (£270) for everything else. I was surviving, not living – but I was still happy, because I was passionate about running my own place.

A year ago we had to close our gallery because the rent got too high. Now, let's see what comes next. I don't want to work a job I'm not 100 percent passionate about. Things are OK at the moment, even if I'm struggling with money, because I have things that are more important than money and I'm sure I'll find my way.

ETIENNE, 24, FRANCE

For the past few years I've found myself having the same realisation about halfway through every month: 'Oh shit, I'm out of money.' I'm interning in Paris, so it's inevitable. In France, when a company hires an intern for more than two months, it's required to pay them a minimum of €3.60 (£2.84) an hour – an impossible amount to live on in a city like Paris. But interns who work at a company for less than two months – as I am at the moment – don't have to be paid at all.

When I went to England to study I got a €13,000 (£10,250) loan from my bank. That should have lasted a year, but it was gone in six months. I found a part-­time job that allowed me to stay in England, but I have to start paying back my loan in October, and I honestly have no idea how I'll do that. Either I'll live with my parents and try paying back my loans with freelance writing – which, you know, isn't a very likely scenario – or I'll try to find a job in marketing that I'd hate.

I get by OK, partly because I was lucky enough to find a small apartment at €500 a month with my girlfriend. I'm not too worried about the future, because my parents and friends would be ready to help if I needed them. But I hate the feeling of being financially dependent on someone else, and don't want to ask for help paying back my loans.

Photo by Sarah Buthmann

ISMAR, 26, DENMARK

The unemployment rate among Denmark's young people is one of the lowest in Europe. Education is free, and during their higher studies students receive a monthly state education grant, called "SU", of around 5,000 kroner (£516), and have access to cheap loans through the SU system (up to 3,000 additional kroner, or £310, a month). Because of this, young people generally do not amass student debts to the same extent as those elsewhere.

I grew up in the countryside but moved to Copenhagen when I was 17. After I moved away from home I started going out a lot and buying clothes I couldn't afford. It became a regular habit for me to call the bank and ask if I could just increase my agreed overdraft, and basically I've just continuously been increasing my overdraft in order to be able to afford a certain lifestyle.

I don't spend a lot of time dwelling on the fact that I'm in debt on a day-to-day basis. But if I have a bad day and my head is full of negative thoughts, then it surfaces. Then it starts to really hit me that I'm terribly lousy at finances, and I feel like I'll never be able to truly make it on my own.

KARALYN, 27, UNITED STATES

When I graduated college, had someone asked me if, at 27, I would be living with three roommates and hardly able to afford my bills – I just never would have thought that I'd be put in that kind of situation. I thought that I would have my life together by now, I'd have a home, or at least just have my own apartment and pay all my own bills. I'm still a little dependent: my brother pays my phone bill.

Recently, I got this great job opportunity, so I took it. I thought I was gonna be getting paid much more, but at the end of the final interview, I was told it was $17 (£12) an hour. It's put me in a weird position, because I didn't want them to think money was all I cared about. I get two weeks paid vacation, which is nice because not a lot of companies do that now. Half of my income goes toward rent. I can't get a credit card. When I left college, my student debt was about $25,000 (£17,700), now it's $30,000 (£22,000).

In five years, I hope I'm making at least three times what I'm making now. Most women think about marriage and kids when they're in their late twenties, early thirties, and to me that doesn't even seem like a thought. I can barely even afford to take care of myself. I can't even get a dog.

SIMON, 25, AUSTRALIA

Last time Australia had a recession, it was announced three days before I was born in November 1990. We weren't really hit by the global financial crisis so the biggest issue here is house prices. I was actually looking at some research the other day that said they've grown across Melbourne by 60 percent since 2008. Of course that hasn't kept up with wage increases. Houses aren't regarded as a place to live any more, they're considered investments.

I feel pretty despondent about that. It means I'm condemned to living in a drive-in, drive-out suburb if I want a backyard. Basically, if you're one of those people with kids on the menu from your late twenties, you'll have to live in some horrendous kind of new development and spend hours of your day stuck in traffic.

This is the reason I'm going back to university. I figured I need to earn a lot of money, so I'm studying finance. By the end of post-grad I'll have spent about $75,000 (£39,500). It's a lot, but it's not too bad. We get a pretty decent subsidy in Australia and I feel if you want to pursue higher education then that's kind of a personal choice. You'll benefit from it and the subsidies can only go so far. I mean, someone has to pay for it – it's not free, and taxing people who are tradesmen or low-income earners just so I can earn way more, that's not really fair.

Adrian (on the right) while dressing like an idiot for Vienna Fashion Week. Photo by Stefanie Katzinger.

ADRIAN, 29, AUSTRIA

I was raised by a single mother who worked around the clock to make sure I could get a proper education. I loved at home and got a student allowance while I was studying, so never needed a regular job. When those funds ended I was still living at home, but had taken up the lucrative hobby of online poker, which meant I was earning more money than I ever would in a normal job. I eventually decided to move out of my mother's place, which meant I needed to really push my poker career in order to pay the rent – which I thought would motivate me.

It didn't. I didn't want to play any more and the bills kept coming, so after less than a year I was about €3,000 (£2,365) in debt, and I owed some more personal debts. One day I quit poker and moved back in with my mother. Two people who'd lent me money knew about my situation, but most of my friends had no idea.

After about six months I found a paid internship and things have slowly started getting better: I'm better at managing my finances. I'll still be in debt for at least another year, but I can now pay my bills. Hell, I could even buy a PS4 if I wanted to. I shouldn't, since I'm in debt, but that never really stopped me – which is probably how I got into debt in the first place.

AIDA, 22, SPAIN

When my parents were my age, neither of them had studied but both of them had well-paid permanent jobs as waiters. It was pretty common in Spain back then for people with no higher education to just work hard and earn enough money to buy a house, two cars, have a child, get private healthcare – which isn't common in Spain – and go on holiday once a year.

Today, I don't know any young people who can afford to live like that. Most jobs don't pay well, aren't full time and the contracts are never permanent, and we're all fighting over these jobs, no matter your level of education. The good jobs still pay less than they did 15 years ago, for more hours.

I work as a waitress and I don't make enough money to move out of my parents' place – not even enough to share an apartment with a friend. I'm saving all I can to pay for my studies, because the government took away my scholarship this year. I think, for me, the worst part is knowing that I'll probably get stuck working in shitty jobs, no matter what I do.

VINCENZO, 25, ITALY

Debt is something Italians are basically born with, and you don't need an expensive education to land you in it. People aged 34 or under are the likeliest to be on the breadline. Finding your first job is very difficult, which means you generally need your family to help you out for a while.

If you do find a job, that doesn't mean you're suddenly financially independent. I'm 25 and have been working for two years, and I still need to rely on my parents' money to get by. I rely on them for my basic needs, and my tastes are far from extravagant. I'm also still living with my parents, in the same bedroom I grew up in. The fact is that, in the last two decades, the cost of living has increased exponentially, while average income has decreased.

Young people's median wage has dropped, reaching an all-time low in 2012. This is why most people my age aren't even remotely thinking of buying a house, marrying or settling down by themselves: it's all just too expensive. Of course, we can't let our friends know what's actually going on, so this new poverty remains largely hidden while we spend the money our grandparents and parents made during the last years of the Italian economic boom. But in the end, almost everyone in Italy can relate to it – we've turned into a bunch of statistics-backed whiners.

ZARA, 26, IRELAND

I graduated in 2012 after finishing my master's degree. It was difficult leaving university knowing there are no jobs available. I had to sign on to the dole the same week I handed in my thesis. I was struggling with rent and bills and was afraid I'd end up having to leave my house. Because I was 24, I was only entitled to €144 (£112) a week, with €100 (£78) of that going straight toward rent.

The reality of living on €44 (£35) a week hit me hard. I barely had enough to feed myself, I lost a lot of weight and my health suffered. I had to borrow money constantly to pay bills, which in turn constantly left me in debt to people. The lowest point was when my dole money was stolen from my bag the day before Christmas Eve. I was stuck in Dublin with no money to travel home for Christmas. I spent the last few years in a state of not knowing my worth or having the opportunity to further myself in a career. I have worked odd jobs here and there, earning very little. It's all so bleak.

Now, I've accepted the fact that owning a house – or, for that matter, a car – here is not an option. To be honest, even learning to drive here is something that cannot happen at the moment because of costs for permits and lessons. Personally, it disgusts me that the people of this country are struggling beyond belief while the banks are not held accountable. There are families facing homelessness, young people emigrating and, for those who can't emigrate, people stuck in a rut, constantly chasing debts and worrying about their future. Yet, the state will not go after the people responsible.

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Why the British Tattoo Industry Has Beef with 'Tattoo Fixers'

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At Manchester Tattoo Tea Party in March, tattooed people are walking around the convention checking out the latest work from their favourite artists. Some are wearing all black, some are dolled up and some – quite a few, actually – are wearing T-shirts which say FUCK TATTOO FIXERS in bold caps. In three words, this is essentially the response from some parts of the industry to the E4 show, now in its second season.

Here's the way every Tattoo Fixers episode plays out. A person walks into a makeshift tattoo studio. They have a crap tattoo. It's probably a cock on a leg, or a stick-and-poke outline of Jim Carrey's face. The sort of ink you get in a backstreet parlour in Magaluf or on a DIY punk mate's sofa. The one saving grace is that they're usually small. They can usually can be covered up with a shirt or socks. However, this person wants it hidden permanently. They want a free cover-up.

Channel 4's Tattoo Fixers press shot

Enter the Tattoo Fixers. Sketch, Jay and Alice stroll in with their pads and pens and hear the regrettable story of how needle perforated skin. The recipient then gets the artists to each sketch out options for the cover-up. This is when viewers begin to get the buzz. You know what's coming – it always comes, even though, you think, surely not again, not this time. Three huge designs. A whopping great profile of a stag that'd stretch across a chest to cover a little bit of script. A zombie face ripping through flesh to cover a lightly sketched stick figure. The person waits. They choose one of the designs. The artist responsible for the chosen design has won. The artist and the recipient go to the back of the shop to start work on the cover-up.

If you haven't watched Tattoo Fixers before, you're missing out. It's a show that reaches the dizzying highs and delightfully predictable lows of Don't Tell the Bride or Come Dine with Me. It's one of the best shows on British TV.

But for anyone who knows about tattooing, it's something more. In the last few weeks, numerous members of the British tattoo industry have become pissed off with the show for various reasons, and now this feud has arrived at a full-on stand-off.

"There's always a strong response from the tattooing industry to tattoo shows," explains Paul Taylor, the tattoo artist behind the "Fuck Tattoo Fixers" T-shirts. "But this has been different because it's a direct attack on us as a British industry. That's how it's come across. I made the T-shirts as a joke, and before I knew it, people wanted them. We sold over 100 immediately and now we've inspired a few tribute acts. I've seen all different kinds of T-shirts on everyone."

On Instagram the #fucktattoofixers hashtag is well and truly popping off.


A cover-up posted on Instagram by "Sketch", one of the tattoo artists on 'Tattoo Fixers' @sketchreppinink

Paul is angry for the same reasons that other artists are. For starters, the tattoos are "unnecessarily fucking huge", according to Hannah Calavera, an artist who wrote a blog about the show – which was taken down after she was threatened with legal action by Studio Lambert, the production company behind the programme. "They're just making the same tattooing mistakes again, except worse, because the things they do over the top are so fucking dark and needlessly massive," she says. "Especially when the original tattoo is really tiny or faded."

Hannah explains that there are certain basic codes of conduct that aren't being adhered to. "The checklist I go by before doing a cover-up is: Will I be able to improve the original tattoo? Will it look like an original tattoo when it's finished, or a cover-up? If I think it's a cover-up then I won't do it. Will they be happy with it long-term? Because who's to say that after a few weeks they won't go, 'Actually, I've had this huge tattoo in place that I probably would never have got tattooed if I'd had a choice,' and then regret it as much as the original?"

This, she feels, is not being asked on the show. Instead of getting a large cover-up, laser removal should be an option. Due to the nature of the show's format, this doesn't happen. "I think it's a responsibility on our part to make sure we're not just doing something for the sake of it, because then you have added to the number of people who are unhappy with their tattoos," she explains.

A Tattoo Fixers representative responded to these concerns by saying, "Cover-ups are often a third bigger. Regardless of whether big or not, the contributor gets sign-off on the design."

Sketch's tattoo (left); original design by Emily Rose Murray (right) from Instagram

Another issue cropping up online is the suggestion that Sketch has been copying other artists' work (when asked for comment on this allegation, there was no response from either the producers or Sketch). Sneaky Mitch and Emily Rose Murray are two names that appear often, while Antony Flemming says Sketch has lifted tattoo designs from him: "It was a painting I did years ago of a sloth holding a heart and a triangle and it'd been completely taken," he says. "Even the colour scheme is the same. It's completely traced, line for line."

Antony says he found out about it after people online kept linking him to it. "It's an extra big kick in the teeth when Sketch is so big and has been on TV," he says. Since our interview, Antony shared a rose neck design on his Instagram next to a very similar design used on the show.

As Paul Taylor puts it, this is one of the only times the tattoo community in the UK has really rallied together as an industry. "Even if it's not a friend, you see someone's work being copied and it's like it's happened to you. You think, 'Should I put my stuff online in case it gets ripped off?'" he says. "I've been tattooing 15 years and it feels like an affront to anyone who's ever tried in this world."

And, of course, then there's the person who paid a lot of money for a custom tattoo getting mugged off.

Sketch's tattoo (left); original design by Antony Flemming (right); Instagram @antonyflemming

This beef has escalated beyond the industry. Now, people who have had cover-ups done on the show are coming forward with serious complaints about the work. On Monday, The Mirror reported that someone tattooed in the first season by Sketch has been left "devastated" and with bad scarring. The show's makers responded that duty of care to participants was "paramount" and that consultations with a dermatologist had been arranged.

In a Facebook post, another person, Daniel Head, accused the show of various ills, such as tattooing him when he was very sick and encouraging him to sit through long periods of tattooing. E4 responded that he had been enthusiastic about filming at the time and that the show followed "stringent safety regulations".

There are even people who have been on the programme coming forward with tattoos showing through the cover-up. "There are rules in tattooing dictated to us by the skin," explains Paul. "We've got mates with numerous emails in their inboxes about writing showing through wings, and stuff like that."

Hannah says that since her blog went viral, she's had people volunteering photos of healed cover-ups that were done on the programme. "You can see the old tattoo in every single one," she says. "They never show healed photos on the programme. How are the people on there and the TV viewers supposed to see this in context?"

There has, however, come a resolution of sorts. Ben Doran, a tattoo artist in Bath, posted a status on his Facebook saying he'd sort out anyone's tattoo from the show who wasn't happy with what they ended up with. He says he's had 10 to 12 people contact him wanting their botch job fixed. "I didn't think there'd be an explosion with my post, but it got thousands of likes and hundreds of shares, just overnight. If anyone wants their tattoo covered or repaired, we'll do it for free. Some of the people who've got in touch, you can see the original tattoo underneath. For others, they're just absolutely heartbroken," says Ben.

"If you can see a tattoo underneath a cover-up, it's not a cover-up. I had a girl with a peacock feather on her bum message me for help. The tattoo isn't horrendous, but it looks really aged and you can see the whole tattoo coming through underneath. There was the girl that had the gypsy head to cover up the clown. I've had a guy who's had an octopus on his hand to cover a dick on the side of his finger. There's the guy who had two wolves on his arm to cover the football fan pissing on a shirt. All these people got in contact with me."


Sketch taking a selfie; Instagram @sketchreppinink

Now, a laser tattoo removal guy has teamed up with Ben. Anyone who Ben cannot immediately cover is able to get free laser removal until the area is more ready to be covered up by Ben. "There's no dislike or disdain from me towards Sketch or the producers of the show or the show itself. It's TV at the end of the day. But it's putting us back as an industry."

Not everyone who's been involved with the show hates their new tattoo, of course. Natalie, who was on Monday night's episode, told us she loved her experience so much she wants another one. "I had a great experience – I don't know what anyone's going on about, to be honest," she said. "I had a wolf on my forearm by Jay and it covered up a crap tattoo of a cat I had. I've applied for next season. I'll probably not get on next time, but I've got a tattoo on my shoulder I want to get covered and I want Sketch to do it."

We reached out to E4 and Tattoo Fixers and a rep said, "Over a million people regularly enjoy the show. Far from portraying the tattoo industry negatively, we are very proud of the team, their artistry, professionalism and the quality of their work. Naturally people will have opinions on different designs; however, we get a huge amount of positive feedback from viewers and, of course, the contributors themselves."

@sketchreppinink

On Monday, Sketch addressed the scandal for the first time. After making his social media accounts private and then public again, Sketch shared a supportive post on Instagram from another tattoo artist. The tattooist, Leigh Coombs, called on people to stop weighing in on the drama and stop slating Sketch online – while adding that the work wasn't up to a decent standard. "Yes I can admit that a fair amount of the work on there is below par and the conditions in the studio change with different camera angles, but the way that Sketch is being treated is disturbing to say the least," Leigh posted.

Is this Sketch repenting for his sins, or accidentally admitting that some of the work is "sub par"? Where will it go from here? Will this saga end in him leaving the show? Will the show have to make adjustments? Will there be an on-air apology? When will the bad tattoos end?

The main problem in all of this, according to members of the industry, is the way Tattoo Fixers is making them look, as individuals, as British artists, as a community. "The average person watching this on British TV doesn't know the standards at which tattooing can be," said Antony. "Being given the intro to the show, which says these are the best artists in the country, they'll believe that these are as good as tattoos can be. They're not even average tattoos, they're bad tattoos – especially Sketch's. We don't want UK tattooists made to look like fucking idiots."

@hannahrosewens

More tattoos from VICE:

These Are the Most Popular Bad Tattoos In the UK

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Revealed: A US Prison Boss Who Oversaw the Accidental Early Release of 3,200 Inmates Is Coming to the UK

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Chris Grayling (right), who as justice secretary privatised probation (Photo by BIBA Broker) (Thumbnail image via Oh-Berlin.com)

As head of the Department of Corrections in Washington State, Bernie Warner oversaw the accidental early release of 3,200 prisoners. Having left that job, he became the Vice President of Corrections at US firm Management and Training Corporation (MTC), a US private prison operator that has been hit by numerous riots and scandals. And now, thanks to the government's privatisation of probation, Bernie and MTC are bringing their stellar record to the UK.

Last year the Conservative government handed probation services – which manage ex-prisoners on release from prison, trying to guide them away from crime – to private companies. MTC are running two of the biggest new "Community Rehabilitation Companies" in London and the Thames Valley. All but the most violent ex-prisoners in London are being managed by MTC and their partners, operating under the name MTCNovo. The MTCNovo website doesn't say who is in charge, but company records obtained by VICE show that Bernie Warner is one of the American directors of UK based MTCNovo, and has been since last December.

Soon after Bernie left his job in charge of prisons in Washington State, a scandal erupted. Since 2002, his Department of Corrections had released 3,200 prisoners early, thanks to a computer error. State officials admitted that in 2015 alone there were two killings by ex-prisoners who should have been in prison but had been let go before their time due to the faulty computer program.

Warner told his local newspaper he didn't know and "was shocked to learn that the Department was releasing inmates inaccurately for the past 13 years and when it was found out in my administration, it was not addressed".

Officials also admitted that Warner's department knew about the early release problem in 2012, but attempts to fix the computer system were delayed 16 times. They also said that Warner's Assistant Secretary, who reported directly to him, definitely knew about the faulty computer programme.

MTC in the US told VICE: "Bernie Warner had no knowledge of any early release of offenders during his tenure, and is fully cooperating with the state's investigation". As he was in charge of the department, ignorance of such a major failing raises questions over his leadership. But MTC said Warner had taken Washington State Department of Corrections to "new heights" and he "will be a tremendous asset to MTC and its mission of rehabilitating offenders within our care".

Warner was appointed to run MTC's prisons division after a series of scandals hit the firm. These scandals were unfolding as then Justice Secretary Chris Grayling was giving control of probation in London and the Thames Valley to the private sector.

Grayling announced MTC were one of his choices to run probation in his controversial privatisation programme in late 2014. The firm formally took over London probation in February 2015. Grayling was replaced as Justice Secretary by Michael Gove in May 2015. Gove has unpicked some of Grayling's policies, but is sticking with his probation privatisation.

These seven-year probation contracts are massive. The government will pay MTCnovo £982million in London and £190million in the Thames Valley for the work.

...disorder, periodic mayhem, and staff ineptitude which leads to perpetual danger to the inmates and staff.

Unfortunately, the firm's recent prison record does not inspire confidence. In July 2015 there was a riot at the MTC-run Arizona State Prison-Kingman, which meant 1,200 prisoners had to be shipped out. In September 2015 Arizona Governor Doug Ducey announced he was severing all links with MTC. The State Governor sacked MTC from Arizona's prisons following an investigation into the cause of the riot. According to the official report, the investigation found, "A culture of disorganisation, disengagement and disregard for state policies by MTC" along with "Failure by MTC to conduct critical staff training, and withholding these failures from Department of Corrections monitors."

Also in July 2015, a Federal Judge ordered improvements for inmates at the MTC-run Walnut Grove Youth Correctional Facility in Mississippi. This followed a lawsuit launched by campaign group the Southern Poverty Law Centre (SPLC) in defence of the inmates' constitutional rights. The case was deeply damning of MTC's prison. Judge Carlton Reeves said, "The evidence before the Court paints a picture of a facility struggling with disorder, periodic mayhem, and staff ineptitude which leads to perpetual danger to the inmates and staff". SPLC's case said gangs "ran amok" in the youth jail while staff "colluded" with them. During the court case MTC's prison's governor admitted that two staff were being fired for sexual misbehaviour, but he was waiting for DNA evidence to see if a third guard sexually assaulted multiple inmates.

In February 2015 there was a riot at the MTC-run Willacy County Correctional Center in Texas. Around two thirds of the 2,800 inmates refused work details, and set fire to three of the ten tents in which they were housed. The riot was supressed after guards used teargas and 300 inmates were removed. The American Civil Liberties Union said the riot was "most unsurprising" because of poor conditions: Inmates slept in 200 closely placed beds per tent. ACLU's visitor found inmates "getting thrown into isolation cells for complaining about bad food and poor medical care, being denied both urgent and routine medical care, and being cut off from contact with their families". In March the National Bureau of Prison's cancelled MTC's contract at the prison.

Watch: Young Reoffenders

Asked about these problems, MTC's US spokesperson told VICE, "Operating prisons is inherently challenging and not without risks. Incidents happened at both public facilities and those operated in partnership with companies like MTC." The firm said they are, "proud of the impact we have had in the lives of offenders over the last three decades – helping them to change their behaviour in order to be successful in society after release" , adding "This mission continues in the United Kingdom."

MTCNovo's UK spokesperson said, "The Ministry of Justice of course carries out a detailed assessment" of firms they are appointed and the government "is well aware of MTC's record of 30 years in the US" which they described as a "strong reputation for providing quality service".

The government's privatisation of probation involves a number of other firms with patchy records on public contracts, and other "Community Rehabilitation Companies" (CRC's) are in difficulty: In South Yorkshire the probation service run by Sodexo failed a Ministry of Justice audit. The Kent, Surrey and Sussex CRC also had problems with a Minsitry audit, while the Welsh CRC has been criticised for job cuts.

Good to know Britain's prisoners are in the best possible hands.

@SolHughesWriter

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Photos of Nepal's Post-Earthquake Skateboarding Scene

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All photos by Tom Caron-Delion

Skateboarding is a universal language. A simple piece of wood with four wheels attached can cut across all kinds of social and cultural barriers.

I grew up near Plumstead and Woolwich in south east London, which is home to one of the largest Nepalese communities in Britain. One of my closest friends, the illustrator Gaurab Thakali, is from this community. He was born in Nepal and lived there for the first 10 years of his life. I met him skateboarding, and we've been skating and working together for years.

In 2015, we decided to travel to Nepal together to make some work – about skateboarding, but also about everyday life and rebuilding in the aftermath of the catastrophic earthquake that occurred in the country. He was the insider, and I was the outsider.

There's only one skate park in Nepal, a DIY park in Pokhara. It's a small but thriving scene of determined individuals. Skateboarding for me was a tool of communication, a middle ground that allowed me to immerse myself in this community and get to know it on an intimate level.

The park in Pokhara was built and is entirely funded by a man called Ram. Ram has put his whole being into skateboarding because he wholeheartedly believes it is a positive expression for the kids of Nepal. He has spent years trying to convince the government to fund a skate park, to no avail.

The skateboarders ranged from young kids who had only just stepped on wheels, to kids with absolutely no fear, attempting to drop in without shoes on the day after first seeing a board. Some of them had watched American skaters on the internet and had such an overwhelming sense of enthusiasm, I was reminded of how I felt when I first got into it 10 years ago.

The signs of the earthquake were evident everywhere – though not so much in the destruction that I saw, more in the rebuilding that surrounded us. From what I heard, many people's attitudes had shifted after seeing the tragedy that the natural disaster had brought. People had begun to live life more in the moment, spending money in a more carefree way. The skateboarders of Pokhara already lived in this way – they're young and have a tunnel vision for skateboarding, but within there community there was a positive outlook and a fearlessness that I'm sure existed before the earthquake. Just like kids in England, their main concern was getting through their schooldays so that they could go skate, or getting some work so that they could live and still afford to skateboard. It's their life.

See more of Tom's work at tomdelionphotography.com. Check out Tom and Gaurab's full project on Nepal's skateboarders here.

Photos from the Everyday Lives of Young Female Israeli Soldiers

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On a recent trip back to her home country, Mayan Toledano, an Israeli-born and New York–based artist, photographed an intimate series of female Israeli soldiers. She was looking to redeem a small piece of her teenage girlhood during which she served as a soldier herself and was stripped of all cultural "feminine" symbols. Gender, race, and personal differences are to be set aside during the years of mandatory service in the Israeli military—the national identity is privileged over any form of individuality. Toledano remembers fearing that her uniform might somehow erase her evolving womanhood.

In Toledano's series, however, the young subjects fail, beautifully, to conform. Underneath the layers, they are softly glowing in their singularity, taking on creative positions as soldier journalists, teachers, and filmmakers, and carefully choosing the fit of their uniforms, shoes, white T-­shirts, and small pieces of jewelry. As paradoxical as it may sound, Toledano's photos reveal that what seems like these girls' indifference is actually an expression of their autonomy. In a way, it's their girly, teenage boredom that reflects a passive, sleepy protest against violence.

In Toledano's photographs, they are very delicately illuminated in pink hues, as if viewed through a prism of a nearby sunrise or sunset.
—Maayan Goldman

All photographs by Mayan Toledano. You can follow her work here.

Watch the Trailer for Our New Film 'Walking Heavy: Britain's Most Notorious Reformed Criminal'

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Walking Heavy is the story of one of Britain's most notorious reformed criminals, Jason Coghlan, who spent 16 years behind bars before he found an even more dangerous and lucrative pastime: studying law. VICE gained intimate access to Jason's life over two years, witnessing the rise of his legal firm, JaCogLaw, which explicitly caters to the gangsters of the Costa Del Sol in Spain. However, the chaos of his old life is never far away as a gang feud in Jason's native Manchester threatens to unravel his new peaceful existence.

Brutal Brawls and Broken Bottles: Unseen Photos from the Golden Age of Greek Hooliganism

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All photos courtesy of anonymous football supporters.

This article was originally published on VICE Greece

The words "Battlefield" and "Jungle" must have been among the most widely used on the front pages of Greek sports papers in the 1990s. Normally appearing on Mondays, they would be used to describe brawls that had taken place on any given Sunday's football match, between fans of rival teams or between fans and police, inside and outside football stadiums, before, after or during a match.

But why were hooligan brawls so common in Greece in the 1990s? One reason could be that back then it was legal for fans to travel in packs to away games.

We got in touch with a bunch of football supporters who were present at those brawls and asked them to let us into their photo archives. All the photos were taken before or after a match and show supporters of the Greek teams AEK, Aris, Olympiakos, Panathinaikos and PAOK. For obvious reasons, all our sources asked to remain anonymous.

Scroll down for more pictures.

What This Year's Inflation Basket Tells Us About the Passions of British People

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(Photo by Jake Lewis)

The inflation basket is a pretty accurate insight into what's relevant to the British consumer. It is a basket containing all shopping baskets, and everything contained within those baskets. It knows what's on Big Shop lists scribbled on the back of old envelopes the UK over; it knows when the general population started really caring about e-cigs; it knows that people stopped getting photos developed the same year Justin Lee Collins stopped appearing on TV. It knows you better than you know yourself.

Compiled using data collected by the Office of National Statistics, items are added and removed to the inflation basket each year, depending on that year's consumer spending patterns. The ONS then tracks the prices of all the items in the basket to help them work out inflation. So, for instance, in 2012 "outdoor adventure boots" were replaced by "walking/hiking boots" to "better represent the sector as footwear fashions change". And then they monitored whether or not walking boots got more expensive.

So what got the chop this year? Which of the many thousands of goods or services that we spend on our money on is no longer worth tracking?

As if the UK's nightclub industry needed another kick in the ribs as it continues to crumble in the face of restrictive councils and well-heeled neighbours filing noise complaints from their newly-built luxury flats, "nightclub entry fees" has been struck off. Numerous venue closures and a decline in people going to clubs has led to club entry fees no longer being a legitimate measure of inflation in the hospitality sector – after all, it seems pointless to track something fewer and fewer people are spending money on.

Also removed from the basket this year are pub snacks – but mostly because they've become "difficult to price", considering a "snack" is kind of tricky to define – as well as CD Roms and re-writable DVDs. The latter two for obvious reasons.

So it appears, using the ONS stats as a guide, that the UK has lost interest in going to nightclubs, defunct audio technology and sharing films in the most long-winded way imaginable.

But what new stuff do we care about? Which basic household items will Russell Howard and Vicky Pattison be paid to fondly remember 20 years from now on Channel 5's Christmas talking-head show, The Inanimate Objects We Loved Most in 2016?

Coffee pods, apparently. Those little plastic things that go in a Nespresso – or a similarly branded machine – and leave you with a hot cup of coffee. Those, and microwaveable rice pouches. And large chocolate bars. All of which supposedly reflects a long-term trend of consumers increasingly buying more prepared foods, i.e. conclusive proof that people really don't want to cook for themselves after work, regardless of how quickly Jamie Oliver says you can make a paella.

Although you may not have personally been eating fewer pub snacks or eating more jumbo Galaxy bars than usual, the Office of National Statistics put a lot of work into making sure the basket is up to date. Over the course of each year the ONS collects 180,000 separate price quotations every month for their records, covering around 700 consumer goods and services. These prices are collected in around 140 locations across the UK and also from the internet and over the phone.

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Inside the Black Market for Fake Green Cards

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Some real green cards on a table at a naturalization ceremony in 2006. Photo by Jim Watson/AFP/Getty Images

Finding a fake green card isn't difficult. I know this because after a half hour of looking online, I was already emailing with someone who said he or she could make one for me.

The response came in seconds from a Gmail account. "Yes, we are capable of providing you with the green card, but the cost will depend on how soon you will need the green card." The email described two tiers of service: I could get the counterfeit green card in four days for $180 plus $55 in postage. If I wanted rush service—a two-day guarantee—I'd have to pay $280.

Both prices seemed like a steal compared to my legitimate green card (I'm Australian, married to an American), which cost me more than $1,500 and weeks of DIY paperwork to avoid expensive legal fees, which can easily run into the thousands. For some people, it takes months or years to achieve permanent resident status. And what do you win once you get that coveted green ID card? The ability to legally work anywhere that will hire you, freedom to travel across US borders, and the option of applying for some types of government aid—all benefits citizens take for granted, but is incredibly important for immigrants trying to live in the US.

So it's not surprising that when the real deal proves too difficult to get, many immigrants have looked for extralegal means of acquiring phony documents that can fool at least some of the people, some of the time. And where there's a market, there are merchants to take advantage of it.

"There is certainly money to be made," said Jack Morris, the unit chief for identity and benefit fraud at Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). Morris said the government agency made 1,282 arrests in 2015 related to document fraud, including counterfeit green cards.

The operations that produce these cards, along with driver's licenses and social security cards, are known as document mills. They can range in sophistication from one guy with a laptop to huge operations bringing in millions of dollars, according to Morris.

One of the biggest document mill busts came about in 2010 as a result of "Operation Phalanx," an investigation into a Virginia-based group that had created about 15,000 IDs—including green cards—in one year alone. The document forging ring stretched across 11 states, wired more than $1 million in profits to bosses in Mexico, and even kidnapped and killed their rivals.

Plenty of forgers are willing to risk arrest, and some aren't particularly subtle. On Roosevelt Avenue in Queens, for example, people advertise "papeles" (or "papers" in English) the same way vendors on Canal Street peddle fake Louis Vuitton handbags.

"We get constituents that come in almost daily telling us, 'I got stopped by at least four guys that wanted to sell me a fake ID, a fake green card,'" said New York State Senator Jose Peralta, whose district includes the avenue. He calls it the epicenter of fraudulent IDs for the tri-state area.

Peralta said a typical transaction takes about two hours: A runner posts up on the street, soliciting customers. Another person creates the IDs, usually in a small room behind a legitimate business like a bodega. Once the product is complete, another runner meets the customer at a different drop-off location.

The counterfeit green card market exploded in 1986, when Congress passed the Immigration Reform and Control Act, which made it illegal to hire those who don't have work permission in the US, according to Roy Fenoff, an assistant professor at the Department of Criminal Justice at the Citadel, South Carolina.

"At that time, the cards were not that high-quality," Fenoff said, which made for an easy counterfeiting job.

When Morris started his career as an ICE special agent in 1988, he said, the document mills looked more like somebody's arts and craft hobby than anything criminal.

"We would typically find blank card stock, a typewriter, scissors, laminate, and a laminating machine," he said. "People were honestly cutting out photos and gluing them onto a green card and typing in a person's name."

Since then, green card counterfeiters have become more advanced in order to counter new security features like holograms and tilting ink, which changes color depending on what angle you look at it.

"Good quality printers and scanners that people can get from the local Staples, they are able to put together something that even the experts have a hard time evaluating," said Fenoff.

One thing counterfeits haven't been able to copy, according to Morris, is the credit card–like magnetic strip. This means a counterfeit green card is useless for entry into the US, where Customs and Border Protection agents scan it. Employers can also choose to scan cards through E-Verify, an online system from the US Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) that verifies if someone can legally work in the US.

These phony cards are far from perfect. One immigrant, who spoke to me on the condition of anonymity, told me she got her fake green card through a friend of a friend. She moved to the United States from Slovakia in 2013, in search of a higher-paying job. But when she started looking for work with her fake green card, two restaurants turned her down for jobs because other employees had already presented either the same fake Social Security number or the same fake USCIS number listed on her green card.

"I am not sure how many have the same numbers as I do in Manhattan," she told me.

Even though it's likely that millions of people like her are using fake green cards, Morris said ICE's main focus is bringing down the counterfeiters, not going after individual immigrants.

Peralta, the state senator, has proposed legislation to change selling or manufacturing forged government documents from a class D to a class C felony in New York, raising the penalty from a maximum of seven years in prison to up to 15 years. The bill passed the Senate last year, and Peralta hopes a vote in the Assembly will push it through this year.

Even so, he says, the only legislation that would eradicate the business of counterfeit green cards for good would be a law making it easier for undocumented immigrants to live and work in the US—that means immigration reform at the federal level. As Peralta put it, "The only way is if we stop the demand, if there is a path that leads toward citizenship."

Follow Serena Solomon on Twitter.


I Don’t Want to Farm in ‘Stardew Valley’, So I Didn’t, and Still Had Fun

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Yeah, I could fix this bridge, but that does sound like a lot of effort.

On my second day in town I'm invited to check out the local saloon. A beer costs 80 percent of all the money I have in the world. I laugh. Isn't cheaper booze supposed to be the main perk of moving away from your dead-end job in the city?

I worry, too, about the content of conversation I'd have with any of the patrons. "You're the new boy in town, right? You've just moved into the old farm, haven't you? How are your crops coming in?"

"Oh, I've barely done anything yet," I'd say, evasively. "Y'know, just settling in at the minute. Lot of unpacking to do!" I'm terrified. Let's say I bring someone home. It takes just one look in the field outside to know I've completely mugged off the whole point of being here.

Stardew Valley is an independently developed farming-life game, a Harvest Moon for what people in suits are going to call the "Minecraft Generation". This PC-only release has seen nearly half a million sales, well within a month of its launch at the end of February. Over 12,000 people are watching streams of it on Twitch at the time of writing. For comparison, only half that number is watching the high-def version of Battle Royale that is The Culling, released a week later. Basically, Stardew Valley is a Big Deal.

Um, okay.

In theory, players are supposed to spend their time in the game farming and watering crops, talking to the townsfolk, figuratively and literally planting roots in the community. Stardew Valley has a growing reputation that, although it contains a multitude of side activities, it's never necessary to do anything that doesn't catch your attention. Don't want to go adventuring down in the titular valley's mines? Don't like fishing? That's totally fine: you make your own fun.

And my fun involved deciding against the farming part of this farming game. Yeah, it's the core of the game's content, but I just didn't fancy it. If Stardew Valley supposedly offers an escapist fantasy of living rent-free in a cottage, out in the country, in a property bequeathed to you by a passing relative, the last thing I'd want to do in that dream scenario is work hard and toil away in a field. In fact, as the game contains an energy gauge, an exhaustion level, that depletes whenever the character being controlled performs a strenuous activity, I figured I'd attempt to play Stardew Valley as the most unfettered person who's ever lived. You grab a hoe; I'll be playing the role of a lad on a course of prescription-grade chillaxatives.

Still, I figured I needed to have goals nonetheless. I wanted to have an active social life, which I would want for real if I had the benefit of time and no bills. Making friends in Stardew Valley involves talking to people in town and giving them gifts, interactions made difficult without a regular source of income or tradable goods.

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The three methods available to me for presents were as follows: picking up stuff already growing out of the ground; completing the few errands I was able to for a cash reward, then exchanging that at the local store for something physical; and going through people's trash cans to grab whatever usable "rubbish" they'd thrown out. Jumping into bins is unrestricted, but results in a disgusted reaction from anyone who sees it happening. I wasn't looking to get that kind of reputation. I performed these heists like I was stealing from the till at my day job, which is of course something I absolutely don't do.

My days meant drifting around town looking for flowers and checking the beach for the occasional nice shell. I got lucky once, finding a massive patch of wild-growing spring onions. I wandered the town handing out some to anyone I passed. Turns out that very few people are interested in a fresh face with their hands full of scallions.

What, so you can rip me off with your hiked-up bar prices? No thanks, Emily.

I seemed to get on best with Linus, an older guy living in a tent north of town. I gave him a flower any time I saw him. He seemed really happy about whatever I handed over. I liked him immediately; he appreciated the gift I'm giving them as a symbol of our friendship, rather than it needing to have any practical purpose. Coming back to the spring onion thing for a second: has nobody else in this town made an omelette? Or a stir-fry? There's no way either one of the two easiest meals you'll ever make won't benefit from the inclusion of a spring onion. If this feature gets any comments, I want them all to be about your opinions on this matter, and this matter alone.

Anyway, I eventually needed some money – I wanted a larger backpack. I couldn't possibly bring myself to cut down any trees, meaning I couldn't easily get enough wood to make a chest for keeping all my things in. I had to carry all of my unused tools around as dead weight, limiting the amount of other things that I could lug around. This meant that one some days, rainy ones where I didn't easily run into anybody, I had to sell potential gifts, just to make room. The backpack cost 2000g. Saving that amount took nine days of prowling around, grabbing literally everything I could that could earn me a few coins.

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Maybe it's just superstition, but because Stardew Valley lets you check your fortune for the day on the TV, I started chucking that into my daily routine like it was The Jeremy Kyle Show and I was a freelance video game writer. On days where bad luck was prophesied, I really did find fewer things out in the world. As it's only possible to give gifts to people twice a week, once that was done I started just going back to bed immediately on unlucky days, to wait until the week started again.

I suppose that is a sweet camera.

Despite being something of a shut-in, I think my character has inadvertently become incredibly cool. Imagine meeting someone who spends his days picking wildflowers to sell, his only source of income, but he'd gladly hand them out as a gift to anyone who'd like them. He's also incredibly superstitious and sometimes doesn't leave the house all day. You'd probably have a great time hanging out with that guy, if you were sat with them at a wedding. Probably.

Not farming has limited my interaction with this game's world severely but, also and unexpectedly, quite wonderfully too. Stardew Valley is still entertaining to me in much the same way that a lot of other slow-paced slices of life are. My favourite game that I've played this year is The Long Dark, which is about fending off death in a Canadian winter by scavenging whatever you can. My version of Stardew Valley is sort of the absolute opposite to that situation. I had worried that it might skew overly capitalist, and just be a game about trying to minimise your efforts and maximise your profit margin over all else. But I think there's something here regardless of your interest level in ruling through the early days of an agricultural MegaCorp. So if you don't want to farm, go ahead – with hundreds of thousands of other players pulling up cauliflowers and parsnips anyway, it's not like the people of Stardew are going unfed.

@pillowfort

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Meet the Former Biologist Who’s Literally Mailing Bullshit to People

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This joke will never get stale, I'm sure. Photo via Incredi-Bull

Robert Bender and friends are fed up with everyone's bullshit.

The 67-year-old from Ottawa says people are spewing more bullshit these days than they ever have before, and together with a half-dozen "fun-loving mercenaries," (whatever that means) he founded a company that sends it right back at them. Incredi-Bull, launched in January, offers its customers poetic justice: to call people on their bullshit "and actually do something about it."


In short, they sell authentic Canadian bull shit that was excreted from a real bull's ass.

Described as 100 percent natural, artisanal, and "hand-harvested," it's pretty much just a small, flattened turd fastened to a little orange card with a scornful message pointing out the recipient's shitty ways. It sells for $14.95 .

"At some level it's a joke and at some level it's serious," says Bender, a former biologist and tech businessman. "The protest with humor has the advantage of both diffusing the harsh edge and also providing a vehicle...to make a protest, without being absolutely confrontational."

The company was intellectually inspired by On Bullshit, a 16-page essay by Harry Frankfurt of Princeton University which, in both the dry style of academia and sly tone of someone who knows they're writing a major paper about "bullshit," shrewdly analyzes the intricate concept. It was also partially influenced by French protests involving agricultural policy, mostly in the 70s and 80s, during which farmers drove their manure spreaders into towns, fired them up, and sprayed shit all over the place.

Incredi-Bull is far from the first company to sell mail-order animal feces, however. Popular options include PoopSenders, Shitexpress, and I Poop You. Cards Against Humanity even did it on a grand scale in December 2014, when the company shipped 30,000 boxes of cow poo to customers as part of a Black Friday promotion.

At least one such scenario has raised legal questions about sending literal crap in the mail. Last year, an Iowa woman entered a legal battle with her neighbors after being charged with harassment for mailing a bag of cow dung to them because they complained about her dog barking.

Canada Post would neither confirm nor deny that mailing feces is allowed, but the practice does appear to meet its guidelines on biological matter, as long as it's not poisonous or infectious, won't soil other mail or postal equipment, or emit an offensive odor, and is packaged properly. The US Postal Service has actually gone on record to say that "yes, can be mailed," but it needs to meet its "strict guidelines."


Robert Bender shown hauling bull feces at a farm in rural Ottawa in an upcoming promotional video for Incredi-Bull. Image via Incredi-Bull

Incredi-Bull's material gets collected from a cattle breeder in the Ottawa area, and then pasteurized to kill all the bacteria, and get rid of the smell. "You can bet that someone, somewhere, is going to put down a bar bet about eating this stuff," Bender says. "We figured yeah, people in bars do stuff like that, so we sterilize it to actual standards for medical sterilization."

Legal experts have advised that it's not necessarily the act of mailing feces that's problematic, since, generally speaking, it isn't dangerous, but it's the sender's intent and the context of their relationship with the recipient that could potentially make the person legally liable. It would however be "unlikely" for someone to face any criminal liability, according to Toronto criminal defense lawyer Brian Weingarten.

Weingarten says that any case would have to prove not only that it was a real threat, but also that it was done with malicious intent or recklessness.

"It's probably going to be an inconvenience and the person's probably not going to be happy, but I think it would be a very unusual circumstance for it to really amount to a criminal charge," he says. "Courts don't like to deal with things that are jokes or pranks in a criminal context."


Incredi-Bull's limited Valentine's Day package. Photo via Incredi-Bull

"This is clearly a joke product, with humor as intent. It has been sterilized, it has been treated in ways that make it innocuous," says Bender. "From a social standpoint, we don't want to be party to bullying or things that could come out of what I would call inappropriate motivation for protest."

He says business has been solid so far. Incredi-Bull keeps its sales numbers private, but he says they're currently processing their third 110-pound lot of raw material (each "greeting card" uses between 0.7 and 1.7 oz). The company's already planning to scale up, including eventually introducing a new "bullshit detector" product. Not hard, since Bender says there's "no shortage" of bullshit in Canada.

"It's an annoying feature of life and I think in some ways corrosive. There are a lot of people who are fed up with the constant amount of abuse they get from being on the receiving end of bullshit."

Follow Adam Feibel on Twitter.

Does Censorship on Social Media Do More Harm Than Good?

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Photo by Martin Dimitrov via Getty

There's a rich tradition of defying censorship in America. Ban books, and you'll inspire a week designated to reading them. Censor photos of period blood and nipples on social media, and they'll be shared and re-posted more fervently than before. Banning is the fastest way to galvanize a movement. Now there's research to illustrate the point.

In 2012, Instagram cracked down on pro-eating disorder content, banning 17 hashtags such as "thinspiration" and "thighgap." A study out last week from Georgia Tech shows that after the social media platform got strict about how users label and search for posts, activity around such content actually increased. In some instances, likes and comments on pro-ED photos soared by 30 percent.

The research—the first of its kind to measure and capture the effects of pro-ED censorship online—looked at 2.5 million posts from 2011 to 2014 to examine how users interacted with photos before and after certain hashtags were prohibited. Though there was a momentary dip in pro-ED terms post-ban, it wasn't long before users had created 672 mutations of the tags with subtle variations like "thynspo" or "skinnyyy," amounting to a nearly 4,000 percent hike in tags. "More tags gave users more opportunities to look at and engage with content that was not moderated," study author Munmun De Choudhury, assistant professor of interactive computing at Georgia Tech, told VICE. While these findings are troubling on their own, researchers also found that in addition to the surge in new tags, there was also an increase in the discussion of self-harm, suicide, and feelings of isolation.

Not surprisingly, the internet is rife with examples of users shifting their behavior to evade restrictions. Last year, under a new anti-harassment policy, Reddit banned a slew of communities congregating under subreddits dedicated to ridiculing and shaming. Included in the ban were subreddits like r/shitniggerssay, r/transfags and r/fatpeoplehate. After accusing Reddit of being anti-free speech, users simply found new platforms. The first few results in a Google search for Voat, a site that prides itself on a "zero censorship" policy, include links to the communities "Fatpeoplehate" and "Niggers."

While the impact of Reddit's ban hasn't been measured, there's speculation that its effects seemed only to widen the reach of hate speech. "It's possible that as people disperse, they plant their ideas in more outlets, enabling more people to get on board," Stevie Chancellor, a doctoral student in Human Centered Computing at Georgia Tech and the lead author of the study, told VICE. "As with the pro-ED sites, people find a way around things."

Aggressive censorship also risks denying people valuable resources. When the UK launched a filtering program for internet pornography, it unintentionally blocked access to important helplines, including those for suicide prevention and domestic violence. Instagram's pro-ED ban, meanwhile, limited access to people who need help, suggests Chancellor. "Another consequence of these variations is that you are pushing people to the periphery, which makes them harder to find and harder to help."

Of course, the idea of an unmediated internet is its own special kind of nightmare. Unmonitored trolling can lead users to dark places, where dangerous behaviors are normalized and encouraged. Such was the case with William Melchert-Dinkel, a Minnesota nurse and digital suicide provocateur who would scout at-risk people in pro-suicide forums and advise them on how to kill themselves; he was convicted of "assisting" a suicide in 2014. And there's no doubt visiting suicide forums can indeed have harmful effects. A study published last year in the Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychology found that people who engage with suicidal content on the internet have—no surprise here—more suicidal thoughts.

Nonetheless, studies and anecdotal evidence also show that vulnerable communities benefit from having spaces to disclose their most sinister thoughts, provided those spaces are managed properly. Research from Harvard shows that young people who discuss suicidal ideas in a safe, nonjudgmental environment are often deterred from doing themselves harm. Many forums have moderators trained in crisis management, like Eating Disorders Anonymous or the subreddit r/SuicideWatch. Moderators can also be former patients who bring a first-person perspective that even the most well-qualified mental health expert lacks.

Chancellor and De Choudhury think active moderation might be an effective alternative to bans. Instagram has an "Explore" tab that suggests photos based on posts users have liked or posts that are liked by a large number of people in the community. If a user is engaging with a lot of pro-ED photos, it's likely those will continue to pop up. "It would be beneficial to manage what comes up for users who are at-risk and direct them toward content that is more body-positive," said Chancellor. Same for when users search certain hashtags. "It could be a pop-up with information on how to find help, or a link to uplifting photos," she adds.

Search engines like Google and Yahoo are already doing something similar, with positive results so far. When a user searches the terms "suicide" or "how to kill myself," the first result is a pop-up featuring a phone number and website to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. After Google implemented this change in 2010, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline saw a 9 percent jump in calls.

An Instagram spokesperson told VICE that the platform is aware that making hashtags unsearchable is not the best practice, and has added a message to certain tags containing a warning about the content and links to resources. At press time, this appeared to be the case for non-banned terms like "thinspoooo," while the originally banned "thinspo" and "thighgap" continue to be unsearchable.

For Instagram and other social-media platforms to offer resources instead of bans would require extensive monitoring and creative collaboration with experts on self-harm—extra effort that has nonetheless already been shown to be more effective than censorship. We need to "think about how we can promote recovery in a way that doesn't push users away," De Choudhury said, "and leads to a positive change in behavior."

Canada's Infamous 'Internet Black Widow' Will Be Released from Prison if She Promises to Stay Away from Men

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Melissa Ann Shepard, known as the "Internet Black Widow," arrives at court in on Tuesday, March 15. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Andrew Vaughan

An elderly woman who rose to infamy over the last two decades as the "Internet Black Widow"—a name given to her for her attempts to rob from, poison, and murder some of her past partners via identities she assumed online—is scheduled to be released from a Nova Scotia prison Friday. But not before the Crown will try and impose a rare set of conditions on her.

New Brunswick-born Melissa Ann Shepard, 80, was sentenced in 2013 to two years, nine months, and ten days in prison for attempting to murder her newlywed husband by spiking his coffee with an inordinate amount of tranquilizers. At the time of her original arrest, police found a stockpile of sedatives and alternate identity documents, which she procured over a number of years.

Now, the Crown is pushing for her release to be withheld until she agrees to a set of peace bond restrictions that she would need to follow while living as a citizen—some of which include not being allowed to go on the Internet, and not being allowed to change her identity or have relationships with men without notifying the police.

"We're opposed to her release unless there are conditions imposed on her release," Crown prosecutor James Giacomantonio told the National Post, noting that the push for conditional release is a rarity but is a necessary precaution as Shepard had already been denied parole by National Parole Board.

"It's based on her record and her past... based on the evidence we have, she still poses a risk."

Shepard's wrongdoings started long before the crime she's now serving a sentence for. In 1992, she was convicted of the manslaughter of Gordon Stewart, her second husband, whom she ran over with a car. (Twice.)

In 2005, Shepard was sentenced to five years in prison on seven counts of theft and forged documents—including grand theft—from a man in Florida she met online. According to the National Post, her history of lying continued in prison, where she routinely was found to be fabricating events to correctional staff.

Fred Weeks, the man who Shepard tried to kill in 2012 via tranquilizer overdose, was a neighbor of hers in a retirement community. The two both described themselves as lonely, and they eventually performed a faux-marriage ceremony in Weeks's living room.

It was later, on a honeymoon trip to Newfoundland, that Shepard drugged Weeks's coffee. When they checked into a bed and breakfast later that day, he fell out of bed and was hospitalized but survived. In his testimony at the trial, Weeks described being unable to coherently distinguish between simple tasks, such as driving and reversing in a car.

Follow Jake Kivanc on Twitter.

Sexualisation Isn’t Sexism, Or: Why the Dead or Alive Games Need More Dongs

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This is totally normal beach behaviour. Probably.

The Dead or Alive series is famous, or rather infamous, for its amply proportioned and scantily clad starring ladies. The franchise's most recent entry, 2015's one-on-one fighter Dead or Alive 5: Last Round, is no exception. There are hundreds of downloadable costumes available for the game, and while some are fun, like Jann Lee's dragon outfit, the vast majority of them are incredibly skimpy bikinis for the game's female cast. Male characters only get a few paltry outfits thrown their way, none of which are likely to invoke a dreamy sigh or – shudder – cramped wrists. Female outfits dominate the DLC, despite the roster of fighters only being split 60/40 in favour of the girls.

But on Valentine's Day 2016, everyone in the game received some new, (some might say) sexy outfits. The ladies were provided with summer dresses all of, let's say, an inch longer than your average T-shirt; while the chaps could select from an array of tight-fitting shorts and swimming trunks. But before we all high-five each other and declare this a victory in the continuing battle against overt sexism in video games, take a closer look at the character Bayman in his newly acquired smalls. Look at his package. Go on, it won't hurt you.

Now, I'm no licensed doctor, but our friend Bayman here seems to have a severe case of what can only be called "micro penis" – and he's not alone. The entire male cast of Dead or Alive 5: Last Round all suffer from Ken Doll syndrome to varying degrees. The guys wearing shorts have a bit more of a pronounced bulge down there, but even they can't be happy with the gifts God gave them. While it's funny to point and laugh at the ridiculous proportions that the men have been given in Last Round, it's a sign of a rather endemic problem in the video games industry at large: the brazen sexualisation of women remains acceptable in some backwards quarters, not least at Dead or Alive studio Team Ninja, a subsidiary of Koei Tecmo, but the sexualisation of men is still taboo.

Dead or Alive has always been sold as a game where sex takes precedence over substance, which is a shame because its fighting titles are more than acceptable contenders in the genre, and very accessible to newcomers, too. But I'm not here to denounce Team Ninja and Koei Tecmo for their fixation on the female form. If you asked a hundred guys what their favourite things in the world were, boobies and video games would most likely take the top two spots on the Family Fortunes board, so you can understand why developers would want to push that angle. It doesn't make it right, but if they're servicing an audience's wants, so be it.

But what about the millions of women who play video games? You know, the other sex that makes up at least half of the gaming population, maybe even more according to some studies. What about gay men? If studios are happy to titillate, then why aren't they respecting the needs of everyone but heterosexual dudes? What if you really couldn't care less about boobs? Basically: where are all the dongs?

I can already hear the mashing of keyboards as people rattle off their prepared responses: girls don't play Dead or Alive, so the developers would be wasting their time. And sure, the audience for DoA games would likely swing massively in favour of straight men who want to see boobs jiggling about. But isn't that kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy? By making it so Dead or Alive only caters to one section of a much larger demographic, Team Ninja and Koei Tecmo are cutting themselves off from almost the entire female audience, along with any fellas who'd like to see a bit of dick in their games.

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Here comes practised retort number two: women don't want that kind of game, because they aren't as "perverted" as men. Fuck off they aren't. Check the box office numbers for Magic Mike, a film that grossed over $167,000,000 worldwide and whose audience was 73 percent female. And it didn't even have Channing Tatum getting his tackle out; all cinemagoers saw was his bare backside. Women want to see sex on screen just as much as men do, and it's time we dropped this out-dated idea of innocent little girls that simply can't handle seeing a cock, whether that be on TV, in films or in video games.

Team Ninja certainly aren't paying attention. The next game in its DoA beach volleyball spin-off series, Dead or Alive Xtreme 3, is coming out in Japan on March 24th, and features an entirely female cast of playable characters. Playable characters that look like this.

There's knowing sexualisation, and then there's outright shamelessness, and it's debatable where Xtreme 3 falls on that scale. Why are there no men playing alongside these busty avatars? Evidently the game's makers have never watched Top Gun, and assume guys absolutely hate beach volleyball and larking about by swimming pools.

Extra game options and features in Xtreme 3 include "Butt Battle" mode and wardrobe malfunctions for the PlayStation 4 version. It's fan service of the highest order, and I wouldn't be surprised if pre-orders came with a box of Kleenex – but I personally have no problem with any of this. My issue is that Koei could so easily have avoided accusations that their games are rampantly sexist by throwing a few of the DoA series' hunkier men into Xtreme 3. Let the dudes complete with their bulging packages on show; have them throw down in the Butt Battles. Instead, rather than understand the growing need for this sort of representative balance in the medium, Xtreme 3's makers are taking their ball and going home – they're not even officially releasing the game in the West, instead restricting it mostly to the Japanese market, where this kind of nonsense still gets a free pass. (Just look at Senran Kagura. Or, better, don't.)

Related, on Broadly: The Women Pushing Gender Out of Gaming

It's not like adding male characters would be a ton of extra work for the developers, either. Team Ninja can't shut up about their fantastic Soft Engine 2.0, which accurately replicates the squidgy areas of human anatomy – by which they of course mean boobs and bums. But there is absolutely no reason you couldn't apply the same technology to a big floppy cock stuffed inside some Budgy Smugglers. It's not like Zack or Leon are going to be stepping onto the sandy court with massive boners, so the Soft Engine should suffice. And if not, then who knows: maybe the powers that be can develop the Hard Engine, too?

It's too late for Dead or Alive Xtreme 3 to change now, but maybe there's hope for future series titles to offer a little equal-opportunity lechery. Join us in the 21st century, Koei Tecmo. We still have big bouncy boobies and skimpy lingerie, and nobody is going to take those away from you. But we also have swinging dicks and bouncing balls, and it's high time you stopped being so embarrassed about them.

@IanVanCheese

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