This article originally appeared on VICE US
The following is an excerpt from VICE drug columnist Maia Szalavitz's forthcoming book Unbroken Brain, published next month by St. Martin's Press.
I opened the door with a needle in my arm.
Seven plainclothes narcotics
cops burst in, five burly men and two women, all shouting. I hastily finished
my shot and threw the works down, attempting to be discreet about it. I had
been expecting my friend Lina, who should have been returning with money
for the cocaine Matt and I had just fronted her. I was also suffering from a painful ear infection, which is how I'd obtained the drug I was shooting. It was Demerol, a narcotic I'd been prescribed by the Columbia Health Service. I must
have been quite ill: the doctor prescribed me an opiate as well as antibiotics, even though I'd told her that I had a history of heroin use.
Of course, I wasn't supposed to be injecting the Demerol. In fact, I'd actually managed up until exactly that point to abstain from drugs almost entirely
for a few months, in hopes of being readmitted to college after my "year off." Now, I was clearly off the wagon and life was about to get exponentially worse. My idea that I'd recovered and could safely use drugs occasionally was about to be definitively falsified.
Before that awful day in September 1986, reining in my drug use had seemed
relatively easy, at least theoretically. I wasn't exactly a fan of heroin withdrawal—I'd gone cold turkey about four times at this point—but dope sickness did not
keep me from quitting during my rare attempts at it. Instead, I always got in
trouble a few weeks after stopping, when I felt well again and thought, "Just one
will be okay." This time, though, the brief period of abstinence that I'd now
violated with the Demerol had been created by an even worse experience—one
that I actually thought had solved my drug problem.
Through sharing needles, I'd contracted hepatitis A earlier that summer.
(Typically, people get B or C via injection; somehow, I got A, which is usually
spread by bad seafood.) My hep A infection, which is normally less severe than the
other types, soon made me so sick that even healthy food seemed poisonous—let alone drugs. Broccoli, for example, was indigestible, and if I tried to eat even
the tiniest bit of fat, I'd become overwhelmingly nauseous. One pizza craving
ended disastrously in the bathroom.
In fact, the way I found out I was sick was by discovering that heroin
didn't work to salve what I'd assumed were withdrawal symptoms. And taking
more heroin—from a batch that I could see worked fine for everyone else—astonishingly made me feel even worse. I got terrified. Bloody urine and gray
feces soon had me headed for the ER. I was so sick that anything I ingested by
any means only made me feel toxic and enervated. In such a state, not taking
drugs, even while surrounded by them, was relatively easy.
So easy, in fact, that after I left the hospital, I thought I'd been cured, my
problem solved. I still didn't understand that ending addiction wasn't just about
making it through withdrawal. I also didn't know that I was almost certain to
relapse since I hadn't learned alternative ways of coping and was still living in
a drug-filled environment. I continued to believe that addiction was primarily
driven by physical dependence. Since I was free of that, I thought I was well.
Now it was less than a week into my first semester back at Columbia after
my suspension. I'd been allowed to return because I had convinced not only
myself but also the school officials that I no longer had a drug problem, thanks
to the hepatitis. I was not alone in my belief that getting through withdrawal
was all that was needed.
In my essay seeking readmission, I'd written about my illness and recovery from it—and about my genuine desire to study and learn. For the most part,
I was surprisingly open: the school knew that I'd left due to a cocaine problem
and I wrote about how I'd then moved on to heroin before "recovering" via my
liver disease. I really thought I was making a new start. But I didn't mention
that I was still living with and basically working for a coke dealer. I wasn't quite
sure what I planned to do about that.
Looking back now, I am shamed and horrified by the entire sequence of
events, which took place in our apartment on 49th Street, near Radio City Music
Hall and Rockefeller Center, just off Sixth Avenue. It exemplifies both the sheer
mindlessness of addictive behavior—and of the way we deal with it as a society.
I had no idea what to do when I opened the door and realized that it wasn't our
customer, Lina.
Her "friends" turned out to be Long Island–based narcs who had been set
on her by a high school chum who needed to bust someone to avoid prison.
They had been desperate to meet me when Lina was arranging the sale. I had
refused. To protect yourself as a dealer, avoiding selling to people you don't know
is generally a good policy. However, I was recorded on a phone call earlier that
day coordinating the meeting for the deal. By declining to leave the apartment
to make the sale, I ultimately spared myself an additional charge of selling directly to the cops. But Lina was charged with selling, which is actually a more
serious charge than I wound up facing, even though I was far more involved with
drugs.
Lina was a naive NYU sophomore from Nassau County in Long Island; she
had dyed black hair and a few piercings, but she was hardly tough or sophisticated. Her friend from home had been busted in Nassau County. To get a lighter
sentence, he needed to find another dealer to implicate. Lina, unfortunately,
became his target. I knew her through a crowd that I had gone clubbing with at
'80s hotspots like Area and The Tunnel, in happier times before taking drugs
had taken over my life. Ironically, Lina wasn't a dealer or even a regular user—let alone an addict. She occasionally did coke and was making this sale as what
she thought was a favor for an old friend. I didn't know it at the time, but while
the police were storming my apartment, she'd already been arrested and was
being held downstairs in a van.
Immediately after they arrived, two of the officers took me into the hallway
outside my apartment. I was now high, still feverish and completely dazed; I
was also terrified. Their guns were prominent and visible to me in their holsters. They promised that if I signed the form that they shoved in my face, they wouldn't arrest me. Stupidly, I complied. To this day, I still don't understand
exactly why: it must have been some combination of fear, fever, intoxication,
and perhaps my ongoing Aspie tendency to take what other people say at face
value. Aside from selling drugs, it's probably the single most idiotic thing I ever
did. Of course, the police were lying to me; if I had been thinking at all clearly,
this should have been obvious. The document turned out to be permission to
search. They had no warrant. If I hadn't signed, there might never have been
an attempt to prosecute me.
The narcs rushed into the bedroom. There, they found Matt, who was sitting in his underwear weighing coke on the scale. Nearby was obviously a large
quantity, at least a kilo. That was not typical: Matt was holding most of it for
his connection, who had wanted not to have the weight in his possession in case
of just such an event. Stashed nearby in a file cabinet was $17,500 in cash, most
of it needed to pay the connect for the drugs. In my blindly compliant state, I
showed the narcs exactly where it was.
As they searched, the cops stomped around, sneering at our messy apartment, with one woman saying sarcastically that it belonged in Better Homes and
Gardens. Their behavior was so bizarre and over-the-top clichéd that the whole
thing seemed even more unreal. One stocky man with a gun wore a Hard Rock
Café T-shirt. (It is strange the details you notice and the thoughts
you recall from events that forever change your life.)
And it soon got even weirder. Matt had literally been caught red-handed,
or I guess I should say white-handed, but they had no interest in him. When
they slapped the handcuffs on me and dragged me off, he actually thought I'd
been kidnapped by a gang posing as cops, since real police wouldn't throw away
the marlin in favor of the minnows. He just sat there, dazed and confused. For
my part, I was in shock, too. I remember being pulled into the elevator, walked
by the cops past our doorman and into the street. For one second, while I stood
on 49th Street, a strange feeling of relief and utter freedom flooded over me.
The thing that I most dreaded would happen had already done so: I didn't need
to worry about it anymore. Then the fear returned.
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All illustrations by Corey Brickley
I would spend the next five years of my life dealing directly with the repercussions of what happened that day. My actual recovery would not begin for
another two years—and my addiction only worsened after my arrest. While
there are certainly legitimate policy arguments about the best way to deal with
crimes like drug dealing, there's no doubt that the criminal justice system is ineffective and often actively counterproductive in dealing with addiction. My experience is just one of millions that shows why.
Addiction is not defined by dependence on a particular substance to function or by a desire to avoid withdrawal
or by simply being obsessed with the object of the addiction. If it were merely
any of the above, it might be possible, perhaps, to use punishment via the criminal justice system to fight it. If withdrawal was really the problem, hepatitis—or, indeed, a two-week stay in jail or somewhere that I would have no access to
drugs—could actually have cured me.
Instead, addiction is defined by using a drug or activity in a compulsive
manner despite negative consequences. And "negative consequences," of course,
is simply a less morally charged phrase for a whole range of experiences that
can be experienced as punishing; the terms are fundamentally synonymous.
In other words, if punishment worked to fight addiction, the condition itself
couldn't exist.
Think about it for a minute: addicted people continue taking drugs despite
losing jobs, loved ones, their homes, families, children, dreams, even sometimes
body parts. I continued after contracting a disease that made me feel as though
I had been poisoned. I continued after being suspended from the school I'd spent
most of my life dreaming of and working toward attending. I continued while
facing the daily risk of overdose and AIDS—after I'd already nearly died from
an overdose and contracted hepatitis. And I continued even when the cocaine
made me feel paranoid, terrified, and as though I was about to die, even though
the thing that most frightened me of all was death. While there are many experiences that are not common to all addictions, the compulsion to continue
using no matter what is its essence.
In this light, the idea that other sorts of threats or painful experiences will
stop addiction makes no sense. Addiction is an attempt to manage distress that
becomes a learned and nearly automatic program. Adding increased distress
doesn't override this programming; in fact, it tends to engage it even further. If
learning were occurring normally during addiction, addicted people would
soon learn not to take drugs because the consequences are so bad. The fact that
they do not is the crux of the problem.
Moreover, a whole series of studies shows that the brain responses of many
addicted people to reward and punishment are abnormal, regardless of what substance is involved. In one, about two thirds of people with substance addictions showed an elevated emotional response to the prospect of monetary
gain—an overvaluing of reward. This group, however, responded normally to
losses. For these addicted people, similar to what is seen in teens, there appears
to be a heightening of desire for reward that may occlude consideration of future
punishment. But more interestingly, the remaining third of the participants did
not respond to punishment at all. Even after they'd learned that drawing cards
from one particular deck resulted in more loss than gain, they continued to select cards from it, showing the characteristic trait of persistence despite punishment. Similarly, other studies have found reduced brain activation during
punishment (typically monetary loss) in people addicted to cocaine and methamphetamine.
So why then do so many believe that addiction ends when people "hit bottom" and that criminalizing drug use helps people "bottom out"? Let's set aside
for a moment questions about how to deal with drug dealers who don't have addictions and what level of punishment or consequences might be appropriate
when selling is illegal. What I want to start to explore here is how punitive and
moralistic treatment that claims to view addiction as a disease does not really
do so and instead bolsters the law enforcement approach.
The problem begins with the shadow cast by our laws and their history. Indeed, to paraphrase geneticist Theodosius Dobzhansky on biology and evolution, nothing about addiction treatment and drug policy makes sense, except
in light of history. To understand how we came to use punishment to "treat" a
condition that is literally defined by its resistance to punishment, we have to
return briefly to the history of ideas about addiction and how this influenced
our laws related to drugs.
America's first drug laws were born in a climate of
overt racism, during the Jim Crow years. The rhetoric used to win their passage was explicitly racist and supporters played on white men's fears of miscegenation and losing power. The concept of the fiendish "addict" used to advocate
for the laws hewed closely to racist stereotypes.
This unfortunate use of drug policy in support of racism did not end with
Prohibition; it simply went underground, reemerging in 1971 with Richard Nixon's declaration of war on drugs as part of the Republican Party's "Southern
strategy." This strategy targeted southern Democrats who were disaffected from
their party because of its support for civil rights laws. Expanded further by Ronald Reagan, the strategy used code words like "crime," "drugs," and "urban" to signal to racist voters that Republicans would "crack down" and be "tough" in
dealing with black people. As Michelle Alexander points out in her bestseller
The New Jim Crow, selective enforcement of harsh drug laws created a new—and
apparently legal—way to segregate, control, and incarcerate black people.
But this is only one part of why America remains addicted to a punitive—and failed—drug policy.
From Unbroken Brain by Maia Szalavitz. Copyright © 2016 by the author and reprinted by
permission of St. Martin's Press, LLC. Follow Maia Szalavitz on Twitter.